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Inside: Cultural Sausage. ~ Ludic Lists. ~ Skullbucket. Outside: Rest
in peace, Will Eisner. You will be hugely missed
"Captain America, commie smasher" "bad sausage" "how to eliminate lingering odors" "raw walrus" "how do u say I'm lost in Polish?" "kill ragheads" "She-Hulk's butt" "caricature draws XIX century" |
01.04.2005
Hello! I'm Forzenwirth of the Wise Counsel, and for the last twelve years, I have had the distinct pleasure and privelege of being the guidance counselor here at Graymalkin Preparatory School for the Gifted. As you know, as a student here at GPS, you are among a unique few with the talent, drive and dedication to be numbered amongst the elite. But what you don't have is experience. You're all eager to get out into the world -- to fight that dragon, to hoard that treasure, to unearth that soul-twisting artifact. I was young and eager once myself. But before you make a career decision that will stay with you the rest of your life, youve made an even smarter decision: to come see me for a little advice. Now, I know I've got a reputation around here. Aside from the "those who can't do, teach" angle -- and sure, you kids aren't impressed with a guidance counselor, even if he is 13th level -- a lot of you look at me as some kind of a spoilsport. You think I'm going to step on your hopes and dreams, or talk you out of doing what you really want to do with your lives. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is, my job is to put the right people in the right places for the career that's right for them. We'd all like to decapitate hydras, challenge demigods, and steal away with the chthonic treasures of ancient demons, but then who would clean out the stables, pick up after the horses, amuse the king in between meals? There is no shame in a service profession. Nor is there any shame in the noble work of a farmer, a blacksmith, or a hay baler. The only shame is in picking a career that doesn't suit your aptitudes. Let's take a look -- not a despairing look, kids, not a talk-you-out-of-it look, but a realistic look -- at some of the careers you may be considering. BARBARIAN. Look, kids. I want you to have a realistic view of your future, but I don't want you to sell yourself short, either. If you're at Graymalkin Preparatory School, the life of a barbarian is not for you. Even those kids in shop class who used to throw inkwells at you before you transferred here, even those kids are too smart to be barbarians. What are you going to do, sit around the campfire eating raw bunny shanks while telling all the rest of the barbarians how you used to be really good at quadratic equations? Have a little faith in yourself. Leave this career to the inner-city kids. BARD. I don't ever want it said that I discouraged people from pursuing a career in the arts. Bardistry can be a very rewarding career if you hit it big, and it can be very personally satisfying as well, especially for you kids in the theatre department who like to dress up like ladies and wear those froofy shirts. But I will warn you: no matter how good you are in high school, once you get out into the job market, one way or another, you will get rotten fruits and vegetables thrown at you. If you can handle that, then by all means, go for it. CLERIC. This is a very fine, upstanding, respectable profession. The pay is not great, but the work is very steady, you'll have a high profile in your community, and you get to wear snazzy outfits. In fact, for you kids in the theatre department, this might be a safety for you if the bard thing doesn't work out. One caution: the clerical profession, as a rule, does not encourage a lot of the smart-mouthing I know you all like to do. DRUID. A druid is a lot like a cleric, but with worse clothes and shabbier living conditions. You also have to perform a lot of emergency surgery on animals. All in all, if you're considering a career like this, I would just as soon point you in the direction of a good veterinary college. There's nothing a druid doesn't do that a good vet doesn't also do, and make more money at it in the bargain. FIGHTER. There's no doubt that this is a good solid profession. It can pay well, it's always in demand -- all my years as a guidance counselor, I've never seen an abatement in the need for professional killers of every stripe. Of course, the fact that they always need more of them should tell you something. Also, and let me be perfectly honest with you kids, this is not really a profession that a lot of you are going to qualify for. This one is more for the kids on the football team at your old school who used to knock your books out of your hands. MONK. Every year I get a bunch of kids coming around telling me they want to be a monk. Can I level with you? If you want to learn to jump around and kick things with your feet, join the circus, because it pays better than being a monk. Monks have to take a vow of poverty. I wouldn't be called Forzenwirth the Wise Counsel if I was counselling people to take jobs where their net annual income would even out at zero the first year. I wish they wouldn't have these guys at the pep rallies, because it just gives you kids the wrong idea. PALADIN. This seems like a very appealing occupation to a lot of my students, and there's no denying that it has a lot of appeal. It's a high-class occupation -- I mean, it's not like going to law school, but it's right up there. Community respect, a good income, a high public profile, total immunity to disease; there's a lot to recommend paladinry. I just need to warn you, this is not a fast-track job for slackers. You're going to put in a lot of hours, and you can forget about dating or anything like that. If any of my kids become paladins, I'm busting with pride for them, but between you and me, a lot of the kids who choose this option are kinda Melvins. ROGUE. Legally, I am barred from giving you any information about this careeer. SORCERER. Okay, sorcerer, it's like being a wizard but less nerdy. Kids, let me tell you something. Do you know what the world needs? The world needs engineers. The world needs coal miners. The world needs livery attendants. The world even needs scullery maids. What the world doesn't need is some low-life yutz screwing around making colored lights and muttering about 'the power of the blood'. Back in my day, we had a different name for this occupation; we called them 'village idiots' and they made a decent if unglamorous living. Forget this racket and become a bookkeeper or a stablehand or something useful. WIZARD. This is an ideal profession for most of you kids. You're smart, you're studious, you're physically weak and timid, you're easily distracted, and you like memorizing the same things over and over again. I myself went to wizard school for a while until I found out they weren't kidding about the hats. Frankly, I think compiling actuarial tables is a more practical application of your particular skill sets, but let it never be said that Forzenwirth the Wise Counsel ever stood in the way of a boy and his dreams. |
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| TODAY'S DRIFTWOOD: "If they want peace, nations should avoid the pin-pricks that precede cannon-shots." (Napoleon Bonaparte) |