LUDIC LOG

In today's hurly burly and mixy dixy it is very important to know if you are a space alien! Many people such as Lee Iacocca, former Vice President J. Danforth Quayle and TV's Ashton Kutcher were illuminoids from beyond the stars for many years before they discovered the awful truth and were sent to a cushy de-alienating facility up north. But so much time wasted! So many painful moments! How can you be sure? What if you kept telling people you were a plumber or a sous-chef or the mother of eight adorable grandbabies and it turns out that all along your were nothing but an extraterrestrial mole? Like in that song?

Don't let it happen to you! The internet offers many free services like credit checks, gasoline meters, and whether or not you are on flame with rock and roll. John Watt, hillbilly comedian Cletus T. Judd and noted Teapot Dome scandal expert Malachai Jupiter took this test and found out that no! They are not aliens! Many other have been helped in this way and you don't even have to put in your e-mail or anything. You may have learned about it in award-winning Fate magazine!!!

You will probably not have to go to jail or be experimented on. Things are different today! The world has changed! For example they have a TV show about the five homosexuals who help people! And the president is no longer a short man, necessarily. So how is it that you know that you are an outer space man?

Here are ten ways!

1. If you are small, have large eyes and thin fingers, and oddly-colored skin, press on your head with your palm. If it is very painful, you are simply a gangrenous or leprous midget. If it is not, proceed to step 2!

2. If you frequently think about kidnapping farmers and subjecting them to rectal interference, look at yourself in the mirror. If you are wearing a plaid hat with earflaps, you are simply a serial sex murderer. If you are not, proceed to step 3!

3. If you are of the opinion that you spend a lot of time flying around in a spaceship, locate another person of your species and ask them what your name is. If the answer is "Skip" or "Buzz" or "Rod", you are simply an astronaut. If the answer starts with a Z, an X or a noise that is impossible to spell, proceed to step 4!

4. If you own a photon-powered destructor cannon, ask Superman what he thinks of you. If he says you are his oldest and deadliest foe, you are simply Lex Luthor. If he says anything else, proceed to step 5!

5. If you were born the deformed offspring of a bewildered human woman who has no memory of your conception, look at your bedroom wall. If you see a Confederate flag, a Samantha Foxx poster and a shelf containing a half-empty bottle of Everclear and an empty pack of Luckies, you are simply a hillbilly. If not, proceed to step 6!

6. If you spend an inordinate amount of time pestering best-selling author Whitley Streiber, look at your pay stub. If it is from a major metropolitan newspaper, you are simply a literary critic. If it is from an intergalactic battle fleet, proceed to step 7!

7. If only ruralized morons can see you, take a photograph of yourself. If nothing shows up in the picture, you are a product of alcohol poisoning or delirium tremens. If something shows up, proceed to step 8!

8. If you like mustard, there is nothing wrong with that. Many people like mustard. If not, proceed to step 9!

9. If you frequently make references to puny humans and are green, attempt to lift a city bus. If you can, you are simply the Incredible Hulk. If not, proceed to step 10!

10. If you are own a cookbook entitled "To Serve Man", say something. If it comes out in a loud, high-pitched, screechy, effeminate, vaguely Continental-accented voice, you are simply Julia Child. If not, turn yourself in to the authorities immediately!