The honorable gentleman from Montana begins session by noting that illegal immigration is one of the gravest crises facing America today.  He adds that it does no service to either natives to our country or those who wish to become citizens for its lawmakers to ignore this vital issue, and that he intends to chair this committee with all the gravity that an issue upon which hinges nothing less than the future of the nation deserves.

The honorable gentleman from Virginian reminds the chairman that no media is present.

The honorable gentleman from Montana asks that his opening remarks be stricken from the record, and wonders if there are any of those pineapple danishes left.

  ***

The honorable gentleman from Arizona notes that he is especially concerned over illegal immigration from Mexico, because his state has such a long border with our southern neighbor.

The honorable lady from New Mexico says that she is just as concerned about illegal immigration from Mexico.

The honorable gentleman from Arizona remarks that the honorable lady from New Mexico has every right to be concerned, but that there is just no way that she should be as concerned as he is, because what is her border, like a hundred miles?  Whereas his border is totally huge.

The honorable lady from New Mexico points out that nuh-uh, her border is just as big and maybe even bigger, plus her state has Mexico right in the name, so if anything she should be like twice as concerned.

The honorable gentleman from Arizona says that sorry but there is just no way that the border of New Mexico is bigger than the border of Arizona, and he will prove it. 

A page is dispatched to go to the store and pick up an almanac.  Break for morning meal.

 ***

The honorable lady from Virginia introduces a new point-based system for fast-tracking immigrants with valuable skills, desirable backgrounds, and so forth.  Merits would be awarded for income level, likely ability to assimilate, facility with language, and origin in politically stable countries, while demerits would be assigned based on criminal record, ideological affiliation, difficulty in testing, or lack of useful skills.  She passes out a 37-page presentation on the system, which she claims would be fair to immigrants as well as employers and state governments.

The honorable gentleman from Montana inquires as to what about homos.

The honorable lady from Virginia refers him to page 22, and notes that it is alternately a demerit (under most circumstances) or a merit (if they possess certain skill-sets common to homos, like interior design or superstardom).

The honorable lady from New York asks if this is going to affect her housekeeping needs.

The honorable lady from Virginia points to the domestics exception for households above a certain threshhold of silver-polishing demands or shag carpet levels.

The honorable gentleman from Colorado says there is no way he has time to read a whole forty pages of a bunch of math.  He asks if there is an audio version he can listen to on the links.

A page is dispatched to go to the store and pick up a digital recorder.  Coffee break.

 ***

The honorable gentleman from Colorado would like it entered into the record that whatever the ultimate direction the nation takes as regards this issue of immigration, he hopes that the committee will take a favorable stance towards the needs of America's molybdenum mining industry.

The honorable gentleman from Montana says that they will attempt to keep that in mind.

The honorable gentleman from Colorado adds that molybdenum has thousands of consumer and industrial uses, including in alloys, dies, as a catalyst in petroleum products, and as a tracer for nuclear isotopes.  And, although it may not be a household name like tungsten, its use as an anode in mammography equipment means it is helping to save thousands of womens' lives.  And that therefore he would like to know if there is any way that the immigration reform committee could possibly get the molybdenum-mining industry some nice fat tax breaks.

The honorable gentleman from Montana affirms he is sure that we are all very appreciative of the role molybdenum plays in all our lives.

The honorable gentleman from Kentucky affirms he is sure that the honorable gentleman from Colorado is very appreciative of the role molybdenum plays in paying for his new Lexus.

The honorable gentleman from Colorado wants to know how come Kentucky is even on this committee because it doesn't have any borders with foreign countries.

The honorable gentleman from Kentucky says oh, yeah, because Colorado is what, right next to Pakistan?

The honorable gentleman from Colorado would like to inform the honorable gentleman from Kentucky that as a matter of fact, his state is literally swarming with beaners.  He adds that wait, he said that wrong.

Lunch break.  A page is dispatched to pick up burritos and Wite-Out.

 ***

The honorable gentleman from Arizona would like it entered into the record that according to the almanac his page picked up at Target, the border of Arizona is way, way bigger than New Mexico's punk-ass border.

The honorable lady from New Mexico inquires as to whether or not a member of the body can face censure for calling a neighboring state's border punk-ass.

The honorable gentleman from Kentucky inquires as to whether or not Target still sells those spicy caramel candies, you know, the ones that come in a little gumball machine shaped thing.

The honorable gentleman from Arizona inquires as to whether or not a member of the body can face censure for not even knowing how puny her own state's border is.

The honorable gentleman from Montana believes that we are getting off the subject somewhat and should return to the subject of illegal immigration, because it is an issue that represents enormous investsments in social services, labor costs, resource usage, law enforcement depletion, and cultural division.   Also that he heard that they found this one illegal immigrant camp in Texas, and there was a copy of the Koran and a picture of Mount Rushmore there.

The honorable gentleman from Michigan is accidentally woken by the air conditioner rattling and asks if there isn't anything we can do about all the Irishmen.

Afternoon break.  A page is dispatched to make reservations at Bennigan's.

Permanent Link
Previous Entry ~ Current Entry ~ Next Entry
E-mail the Ludic Log ~ ~ Find Me Out

"When God hands you a gift, he also hands you a whip; and the whip is intended for self-flagellation solely." (Truman Capote)