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LUDIC LOG

As the winter meetings commence, blockbuster trades are packaged, and candidates for managerial posts seem to crawl out of the woodwork, we've barely got time to catch our breath before it's time for pitchers and catcher to report. For now, let's take a look at the big franchises and see how their line-ups look in the off-season. First, the position players.

Catcher: Jonah Goldberg

Jonah comes from a baseball family; you might say he was bred for his role. The amiable Mr. G (who forms, with star pitcher Rush Limbaugh, the deadly 'Jonah and the Whale' battery) is quite at home with his role: "The great thing about my position," he says, "is that it seems like you're in charge, when really you're just doing what you're told."

First Baseman: Ben Shapiro

Little Benny is the youngest rookie to ever get a start in the NL, having been called up to the bigs straight out of college (UCLA, where he sheepishly admits that he "majored in partying"). He hasn't let his early success go to his head, however; "I'm just happy to get to first base", says bashful Ben.

Second Baseman: George Will

The bespectacled, bowtie-sporting 'Iron Will' (as he's known to the plentiful groupies he attracts) is an intellectual fielder par excellence; he's a baseball man from way back, and makes no secret about his hopes to manage the team once graying skipper Don Feder hangs up his cleats. In a nod to his keystone partner, Will has nicknamed himself 'The Thinking Man's Bill Buckley'.

Third Baseman: Walter Williams

The power-hitting Walter 'Williams' Williams returns for another season in the hot corner -- a good place for this hothead. Double-Dub is famous around the clubhouse for his temper tantrums, in which he invariably refers to himself in the third person and volunteers arguments for the opposition. However, he's dedicated to self-improvement and relentlessly critical of his own on-field mistakes, often claiming that he and everyone like him should be benched for even minor infractions.

Shortstop: William F. Buckley

Representing the final member of the Will-Williams-Bill left side of the infield, aging veteran Bill Buckley anchors the middle with a nimbleness rare in a man his age. This Bill Buckley's no Bill Buckner: he's one of the least error-prone shorts in the majors, at least when his mouth is shut. Buckley (who's known for making loud arguments about baseball rules he has interpreted incorrectly) has nicknamed himself 'The Thinking Man's George Will' in tribute to his on-field partner.

Left Field: James Lileks

The Man from Minneapolis seems much more comfortable since coming over from the American League. Among the fans in the bleachers, he's rapidly developing a reputation as the man you love to hate, and his amusing neologims are a delight to one and all who take the time to discover them. A productive player offensively, he's also chatty in the outfield, and can often be heard reminding fans that when he was a boy, there was no designated hitter rule, and everything was better.

Center Field: Bill O'Reilly

The most popular player in a game of superstars, Big Bill's offensive numbers are enough to silence even his fiercest critics (who point to his lack of fundamentals and frequent mental lapses). Although his poor fielding often renders the outfield a no-spin zone, the redoubtable O'Reilly (who never tires of reminding fans and the press of his humble working-class origins) says: "They don't pay me to catch things. They pay me to hit things."

Right Field: Pat Buchanan

'Pastor Pat' is none too popular. He's got a violent temper; he's known for punching out groundskeepers, hot dog vendors, batboys, autograph seekers, and members of the coaching staff; and he seems to go out of his way to demand a trade at least once a season. Additionally, he refuses to play in cities where the population is more than 25% Hispanic, and has developed long-running feuds with teammates Ben Shapiro and Jonah Goldberg over what he terms "personal issues". But his home run production doesn't lie: he's a slugger in more ways than one. And that's why he's been with the team for 10 seasons now and shows no signs of letting anyone else take his position on the field: "The far right belongs to me," smirks Pat.