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LUDIC LOG

As the winter meetings commence, blockbuster trades are packaged, and candidates for managerial posts seem to crawl out of the woodwork, we've barely got time to catch our breath before it's time for pitchers and catcher to report. For now, let's take a look at the big franchises and see how their line-ups look in the off-season. Now, the pitching staff.

Starter: Rush Limbaugh

'Rush to Excellence' is once again the National League's ace of aces. Even his critics can't help but be won over by his power-pitching dominance and confident swagger; as an AL skipper puts it, "He's a real ace in the hole, or something very close to that." From his (literally) patented pre-game ritual of crumpling up pieces of paper he was pretending to read to his conditioning technique (which he calls WeightBlasting), Rush is the most feared hurler in the league, and brings a hot wind every time he steps to the mound.

Starter: Andrew Sullivan

One of the hottest rookies to come up the chute in recent years, "Bareback Andy" proved he's no fluke in a dominating sophomore season where he proved that he could toe the rubber with the best of them. Some were surprised by the massive contract he signed at the end of the last season, but the far-from-shy Sully simply said that people should be willing to pay for quality. But all the money in the world can't dim this youngster's enthusiasm for the game: "I can hardly wait for the catchers to report," he says.

Starter: Paul Craig Roberts

PCR, as he's called around the clubhouse, is a veteran whose financial acumen is almost as well-known as his twirling prowess. Although a solid arm in the middle of the rotation, he's probably more famous (or infamous) as a bulldog negotiator who acts as his own agent. He managed to set up a shelter in his contract which shielded him from taxes (a condition he terms worse than slavery) and also secured his own personal trainer, claiming that having to use the team fitness instructor was "a million times worse than the Holocaust, the Crusades and the Bataan Death March put together". Sounds like he's a money pitcher in more ways than one.

Starter: Oliver North

Ollie is a favorite of fans and kids alike; with his perpetual grin, aw-shucks attitude and tendency to wear his USMC uniform while running laps, he's popular enough to have ensured a sellout at games last year when bobble-head dolls featuring his likeness were given away. He's also well-liked by other players, who he tends to give elaborate, difficult-to-remember nicknames. Mr. Plausible Deniability assures us that his days of playing fast and loose with the law are behind him: "I was acquitted on a technicality!", he beams.

Starter: David Limbaugh

Following in the footsteps of the Deans and the Niekros, Rush's younger brother David has recently joined the team; and while he's got a long way to go before he's at the level of his famous sibling, he's certainly not lacking in enthusiasm. Young David seems willing to do anything his brother does: they pitch in the same style, they wear the same clothes, travel on the same bus, and sound almost identical in interviews. It'd be almost impossible to tell them apart except for their stats and Rush's absolutely fanatical devotion to the WeightBlasting program.

Closer: Brent Bozell

Brent (who has no nickname, calling them "the provenance of ethic teenagers and impenitant hooligans") is nothing if not a controversial figure. The mustachioed fireballer raised eyebrows last year when he referred to his fellow fiery fireman John Rocker as "not having gone far enough"; and his tendency to blame his every blown save on the media for reporting it in the first place hasn't won him many fans in the press. But there's no arguing with his fastball; boosters an detractors alike agree, when Brent's in the zone, the discussion is over.

Middle Relievers: John Leo, Marvin Olasky & Bill Murchison

Shoring up the team's bullpen is 'Leo's Trio'. Like many relief pitchers, they work together and play together: the three share a dedicated workout routine, a Bible study group, and a single Mormon wife. The inflexible Christian moralists are dynamite from the 'pen, but their baffling tendency to blame team losses on postmodernism doesn't do much to dispel the reputation of relievers for eccentricity.

Long Reliever: David Horowitz

A former American League All-Star, Horowitz made a famous flip-flop several years ago (coincidentally, he assures reporters, in a contract year) and came over to the senior circuit. He's never looked back, except to mention that everyone he formerly worked or played with is an evil Stalinist tool; he's currently a spot starter and long reliever for the squad. He refutes charges that his legendary league-leap and seeming inability to go more than seven innings makes him untrustworthy: "This year," he assures fans, "I'm committed."