LUDIC LOG

All right. This section of the book here, this is the part of the "Party Planning" section called 'Napkin Folding'. As you can see from those little drawings or diagrams or whatever they are down at the bottom of the page, here is where I'm gonna teach you to fold napkins into funny shapes. I don't really mean like ha-ha funny but more like funny-queer. Frankly, I don't find it funny at all that you would want to make a napkin look like a goddamn butterfly in the first place, but I guess some people have a different sense of humor. Like the guys at the F.B.I., they thought it would be really fucking funny for the new identity I got from the Witness Protection Program to be some fruit who writes cookbooks. Yeah, that's real funny, guys. Ha ha. I bet you have a lot of yuks at the Bureau. Well, you know what? Fuck all of you.

Okay, first I want to say, I don't know why I have to explain all this shit, because there's drawings right there. But I guess some people need everything spelled out for them. So, fine. Also, I think it goes without saying that you can't do this shit with a paper napkin or nothin'. You got to use real cloth napkins, the classy kind. All right? Let's get started already, I ain't got all day for this.

So I'm gonna tell you to begin with how to fold your fancy cloth napkins into the shape of an artichoke. Why would you want to do this? How the fuck do I know? Why do you wanna fold your napkins to look like anything? You don't have an answer to that, do you, smart guy? So shut the fuck up and listen. The artichoke is a pretty shape. There's no reason you should have a problem with it if you know what's good for you. Plus, maybe you like artichokes. Or you are serving artichokes with the meal. Or maybe you are just a big fuckin' faggot, I don't know. Just quit askin' me so many goddamn questions and pay attention, how about that? Would that be okay with you, Mr. I Ask More Questions Than a Fuckin' Four-Year-Old? Christ.

To begin with, or Step 1 I guess you could call it, Professor, is you take the napkin and you open it all the way up. Because I said so. That's how it works, all right? You will see in a minute. Just do it. Like in the fuckin' drawing. Okay. So, place all four points, like, the corners of the napkins, towards the center there. So they meet. It's not complicated. If you don't make it complicated, it's not complicated. But this is only Step 1, so don't get cocky, like you know everything. Maybe you think you know everything, but you coughed up $20 for this book, and you're looking up how to make a napkin look like an artichoke, so I guess you don't know everything after all, do you, sucker? Fine.

Now, fold the four points to the center of the napkin. This is Step 2. Yes, I know it's the same thing basically as Step 1. But I'm saying, do it again. Again. This is the second time you do it. No, shut up. You heard me.

In Step 3, you fold the points to the center of the napkin again. Yes, again. I know. I KNOW. Shut up. Just do what I tell you, you son of a bitch! And maybe we can all get out of here alive. Yes. I don't want to have to explain it again. Three times you fold the corners into the center of the napkins. Three times you do that. It ain't rocket science. Just do it, okay? Do it, and it'll be done, and we don't gotta argue about it anymore. Fucking do it. Okay. Then turn it over and fold the points to the center once more. I know what I said. Don't argue with me.

Step 4 you don't got to fold any points to the center anymore, so shut up about that. I don't wanna hear it. Put your finger firmly at the center of the napkin, like you're strangling a guy. Hold it steady, for Christ's sake. Now unfold one of the 'petals' first from under each corner. Don't panic. Stay calm. The cops are nowhere near here, and besides, this isn't illegal. Just keep telling yourself that. Whatever it takes.

For the next step, which is Step 5, yeah, you got it, fuckin' genius, you want a medal? Okay, for Step 5 pull out four more from between the 'petals'. Look, I don't know. That's just what they're called. Like a flower. Only it's an artichoke. Maybe they both got petals, I don't know. I'm just tryin' to get through this, same as you. And don't call me a stoolie. What, you think you're better than me? Fuck you. Then pull out the next four under the 'petals'. I don't want to hear any whining about how this is hard or your fingers are too big and blunt. You think you're the only one with problems? You think this shit is easy for me? Think again, pal. Think again.

The artichoke napkin now has 12 points. That's Step 6. It's over, all right? It's fucking done. That's it! Leave me alone, for the love of Christ. Quit pesterin' me, you bastards. Next I'll show you how to make a silver buffet.