LUDIC LOG

WHERE I AM PUT THE WEAPONS FOR MASS DESTRUCTION

by Saddam Hussein, PhD (Saddam Hussein University, Baghdad), former supreme leader of Iraq

First, I want to begin by say that I have not been forced to make these statement. I have not been coach-ed to say anything below because of the American interrogators, who have all been very polite and handsome. Lieutenant Montague and Lieutenant Haley of the Special Forces provided for me documentation that I needed, Agent Hurdle of the CIA gave me help with my English, and Betty down in the typing pool has been a dream, but besides these it is all Saddam Hussein.

Second, I would like to give the "shout out" to my surviving cabinet members and underlings who are in the hands of the American invaders. I must thank you enough for standing by me until my totally justifiable and not illegal ouster, but now that I have been fairly defeated and found in a hole, I must urge you all to cooperate completely with the American, and to a lesser degree, Polish occupational forces and do whatever they say, just as I have doing.

Third, I must say a big "I am so sorry" for my evil crimes. Yes, it is true as they say: I was worse than Hitner. I have gassed my own people, and I have make the jail for childrens, and also mass-graves and the rapescamp. All of these things and more have I done, and there can be no excuses for my terrible behavings all the years. I must urge to be tried by an impartial panel of exiles, and I must certainly agree that I deserve the death penalty as soon as possible and would object in the strongest possible terms to any involvement by an international court, especially one consisting of judges from countries that did not take part in invading Iraq. Also another "I am so sorry" for my not speaking so well the English, but it was always hard here in Baghdad where maybe I am being held and maybe not to pick up CNN or the inter-net.

Now, on to where I am put the weapons for mass destruction, which I have recently remembered that I had the whole time, only I forgot to use them.

The Weapons of Nuclear Destruction. These I had, and I was planning to use them against Israel, because it is the only democratics in the middle east. Only what had happened was, I had put all the components for making of the weapons of nuclear destruction in different places all over Iraq, for reasons of security. The enriched plutonium I put in a vault somewhere, only I forget where it was and I do not think ever I will remember, so probably everyone should stop looking and just take my word for it that it really exists. Also the vault was very sealed and no one could ever open it but I assure you it is there. The delivery systems were in a holding facility outside of ar-Rutbah, but I left the keys with some of the guards, and they forgot to lock up one night, and some neighborhood kids stole them, and, I am assured, made a fort out of them. I swear to you this is what happened. The actual electronic components and trigger mechanisms were kept at one of my palaces in Tikrit, but after the Iraq squad beat the Maldives in an AFC match, we had a big beer blast and it all got wrecked. Finally, the documentation for my weapons for nuclear destruction I entrusted to a scientist, or at least he telled me he was a scientist, and he made off with him. I do not know where is he today, and now that I think of it I do not know if he was actually Iraqi, or instead from some other place, so I would urge my American friends grant their law enforcement authorities the power to arrest any and all Muslim males within their borders at will, in case they happen to catch the guy.

The Weapons of Chemistal Destruction. These, all right, when I saw the well-trained and undefeatable American forces were approaching and realized that my defeat was inevitable, I ordered them sent out of the country and hidden with one of my allies in the Axis of the Evil. The only problem is, I cannot say for sure who it is who has them. I know for sure it was one of those bad countries. It could have been Syria or Jordan, or Iran, or Indonesia or Saudia Arabia, or Yemen, or South Korea or Mexico, or Future Palestinean State. The point of it is, definitely it was one of these nations, which are just as bad as my country is, and you should look out for them, and be prepared to invade them on a moment's notice, in case it is one of them where I remember I sent my chemistal weapons. Also I just remembered it could be a country to be named later.

The Weapons of Biology Destruction. Okay. What had happened with these is some of them I sent to a laboratory to be turned into what is it, weaponized anthrax yes. That. And only it happens that it was not a laboratory after all but rather a dry-cleaner, and they lost it, besides which I do not have the ticket anyway so I could not get them back no matter if I wanted to. The rest of them, okay, I do not know why you have yet to get them, because I totally put them in the mail a couple of weeks ago, I even have the receipt still. So I will tell you what: keep checking the mail for them, and if they do not arrived in a couple of the weeks, give me a call and I will try and find out what has happen.

In conclusion, I would like only to say, yes, I am the al-Q'aeda, and the September 11th was me too. I say am this under penalty of perjury and also of my own free will.

Allah'u akbar and yours in Christ,

Dr. S. Hussein, PhD.