LUDIC LOG

I had originally thought this much too boring to do an actual log entry about, but when you're exhausted and out of ideas, you seriously reassess your standards. I'm obssessed with this book of old DC Bizarro comics I got a while back...it's just so, well, bizarre. It's like taking acid and talking about Superman with a house full of retarded children.

If you've never read any of these stories, there's no way I can convey the utter weirdness of them. But, here goes anyway: a rundown of "Jimmy Olsen's Kookie Scoops" from Adventure Comics #287, August 1961, by Jerry Siegel and John 'Not the Fugee' Forte. (Siegel was already in his late 40s by this point, which may explain the overabundance of faux-hep words like "punk", "kookie" and "whacky", but then again it may not.

As we open this mind-boggling story, ace "newshawk" Jimmy is being bawled out by editor Perry White for turning in a story headlined 'City's Water Commissioner Takes Ocean Cruise', which I pretty much have to agree is lame. Perry tells Jimmy to find big news stories, like "if the moon rises in the morning instead of the sun". Although this seems like it would be a tough assignment, Jimmy reluctantly agrees. Then Perry tells Jimmy not to call him chief.

The next morning (this is panel four -- let it never be said these stories don't move along at a rapid clip), Jimmy is driving around "on his day off" (why we need that information, I'm not sure; maybe so as not to make us lose faith in Jimmy's work ethic), and happens to see a huge spaceship parked next to a tree. No one else apparently saw the ship, even though it's right there in the open next to a major thoroughfare. Jimmy decides to investigate, his razor-sharp reporter's instincts clueing him in that a extraterrestrial landing might be just the sort of big story Perry would enjoy. Oddly, while he is running towards the ship, he sees Perry himself -- as well as Superman -- getting onto the ship, which doesn't even pique his curiosity. I guess that's why Jimmy makes the big bucks, split-second editorial decisions like this one. He boards the ship and it takes off with a "vrrooommmm", like a hot rod.

Once on board the spartanly outfitted craft, Jimmy learns that the passengers are actually Bizarro Perry White, along with Bizarro Superman No. 1. The old editor of the "Daily Htrae", Bizarro World's leading newspaper, has retired (wouldn't you retire before you get old on Bizarro World? Or maybe you retire first, and then start working? Look, I'm just asking.), and Bizarro Supes gets the bright idea to duplicate Perry White and make him the new editor, instead of just having one of the other Bizarros do it. Makes sense, right? To build a spaceship and fly all the way across the universe to clone a newspaper editor? Sure. Then Bizarro Perry "hires" Jimmy to work for the Htrae by way of having Bizarro Superman threaten to hurl him bodily into space if he doesn't agree. That's how Bernstein got his gig at the Washington Post, oddly enough. BS calls Jimmy a "lucky redheaded newshawk", but they don't kiss.

Next we have the requisite tour of Bizarro World: pink angular buildings, taxmen giving people money, a flag with stripes in the inset instead of stars, the Bizarro Code. Jimmy sees a clock with the numbers in the wrong order and says that it's "utterly useless", showing why he's a reporter and not a linguist or a logician. He describes his surroundings as "mixed-up", "peculiar" and "kookie".

On the job at the Daily Htrae, Bizarro Lois (one of them, at least) takes a shine to young Jimmy, leading him to say "jeepers", though not out loud. Bizarro Perry (who smokes exploding cigars that say BANNG!) tells Jimmy to go out in search of a scoop. He does so, discovering a fire at the "movie theatur"; calling the fire department, he is shocked when they provide future inspiration to a young Mike Judge by pouring gasoline on the fire. Rain soon puts out the fire, and he turns in the story to Bizarro Perry, who is outraged, saying the story is dull and boring. In addition, BP is infuriated that the Htrae's rival paper, the cleverly titled "Daily Noose", scooped them with the greatest newspaper headline I have ever seen: "MARSHALLOWS GET TOASTID IN THEATUR FIRE; THEM SURE TASTE GOOD!". Then BP tells Jimmy to call him chief. Jimmy says "This Bizarro whackiness is getting me!". I can dig it, Jimmy, but sadly, we're only on page 6.

"Pesty" Bizarro Lois offers to take Jimmy to lunch to make him feel better. She eats a whole turkey, because she's on a diet. Jimmy is kind of an ungrateful prick to BL. "A moment later", he sees a couple of Bizarros breaking into prison ("here, it's the opposite!" says Jimmy, for the sake of the handful of cretins who haven't gotten it yet) and reports it, only to be yelled at by Bizarro Perry (BANNG!) for another boring story. Jimmy: Bizarro world is "nuts"; Bizarro Lois "gives me the creeps".

One panel later, with absolutely no explanation or backstory whatsoever, a bunch of seriously creepy-looking aliens invade Bizarro World for no discernable reason and the entire planet is suddenly in the midst of a huge war. This all happens in one panel. The aliens (who say "Yowrp-pp!" when Bizarro Krypto chases one of them) are stunned, as is Jimmy, when the Bizarro Army, which apparently consists of 6 Bizarros in army helmets, stops fighting to play with a dog. They get the aliens to leave by giving them "worlthess stuff" like gold and fresh fruit. Yes, fresh fruit.

Jimmy turns in a story about the war, only to be scooped again by the Daily Noose's story "Dog Bites Man" (Krypto Bites Alien, actually, but hell, who cares at this point?). Jimmy says "that's just the opposite of what Earth editors consider important!", finally wising up a good 10 pages after the 6-year-olds reading the comic did. Jimmy Olsen is a moron.

Jimmy is in the pits of despair over his failure as a reporter on Bizarro World. You're really rooting for him to commit suicide at this point, but alas: Bizarro Lois has arranged for him to win the "big prize", which he thinks is a flight back to Earth but turns out to be marriage to Bizarro Lois.

When Jimmy says he doesn't want to marry a wealthy, influential woman who has done nothing but be kind to him, a bunch of Bizarros threaten to pound the shit out of him, because Bizarro Lois is their sister. This makes no fucking sense, since all the Bizarro males are clones of Superman, but whatever: your appetite is whetted at this point to see Jimmy pulverized into a fleshy mush by 4 pissed-off, batshit-crazy Supermen. No such luck, though: Jimmy, who describes himself as "tee-rific", sneaks into "a lab" and creates a Bizarro Jimmy, who marries Lois instead. I'm personally disappointed that we don't see more of Bizarro Jimmy: he would presumably be intelligent, interesting and kind, seeing as he is the diametric opposite of Earth Jimmy.

As "punishment" for "losing such a great catch", Jimmy is sent back to Earth in a different spaceship. Bizarro Superman No. 1 throws the ship into space to propel it, which means he's not only a billion times stronger than Superman but has great aim too. I wish he'd just thrown Jimmy into space without the ship like he was going to in the first place. When he gets back to Earth, he is so happy to be home that he says "Gosh, I even enjoy being bawled out by the real Perry White", who is ragging his ass again for being such a shitty reporter. Jimmy apparently didn't think being flown to an insane alien world, where he cloned himself and witnessed a massive interplanetary war, would make a good enough scoop.

You suck, Jimmy Olsen.