The funeral industry, for too long, has been...well...funereal.  There's something about our trade that tends to bring out the worst in people; the loss of a loved one, after all, represents a profound and life-changing experience in the lives of families.  As funeral professionals, our job is to shepherd the grieving through the entire experinece, from pre-arrangement to final disposition in as sensitive and caring a way as possible.

But that doesn't mean it shouldn't be fun.

We at Zedco Funeral Services Industries, as part of our synergistic marketing alliance with New Zeal Media, are pleased to announce a new direction in funeral services.  A direction that will take us past traditional stopping points like dignity, comfort, and understanding -- and to new and exciting lands like entertainment, laughs, and family fun.  along the way, we'll be taking in plenty of sights, such as increased profitability, brand-new advertising tie-ins, and new media opportunities for all.

Join us, won't you?

CROSS-PROMOTIONAL SYNERGY. 

We've had great success with our special sports- and music-themed caskets, with people all over the country experiencing the great comfort and warmth that comes from seeing your loved ones interred in a representation of the Pittsburgh Pirates or Archie Bell & the Drells.  But we aren't stopping there.  With entertainment choices increasingly defining the lives of our customers, we're helping those choices define their deaths as well.  Whether your loved ones wish to spend eternity in the loving embrace of Dale Earnhart or inside a giant representation of a can of Diet Sunkist orange soda, we've got the casket for you.

MULTIMEDIA TIE-INS. 

In an increasingly diverse world, with ever-growing numbers of new cultures populating the United States, the funeral industry must be increasingly sensitive to the fact that no one can say for certain what lies beyond death.  The next world is a mystery to even funeral professionals; it is this world that concerns us.  And in this world, people expect to be entertained.  That's why our mid-range and top-of-the-line human remains vessels now come equipped with iPods featuring custom-loaded playlists (or the default Top 40 of year-of-death if no preference is expressed) and DVD players.  If there is life beyond this, I certainly wouldn't want to spend the intervening years without the company of Sandra Bullock.  Would you?

COMFORT-VISION. 

Few people wish to consider the somewhat grim details of the process of decomposition.  It is our job to ensure that the mortal remnants of our customers' loved ones that we have done our best to preserve these remnants, to give them the appearance of peace and rest beyond the funeral and well into death.  Now, with our innovative Comfort-Vision closed-circuit television feature, families will have more than just your assurances.  Merely turning on the dedicated monitors that your trained professionals will install in their homes, customers can tune in to check on the deceased.  A pan-and-scan camera will allow them to check on any unexpected "wardrobe malfunctions", and for a nominal additional fee, a scrolling subscript will move across the screen, displaying some of the departed's most memorable statements, vital statistics, political preferences, and even stock quotes.

THE OTHER SIDE. 

What could be more comforting for your customers than knowing their love ones are being cared for as kindly and humanly as possible by funeral providers after they pass on?  Hearing it from the deceased themselves.  Starting in 2007, notable television psychic John Edward, and Zedco Funeral Services Industries-trained professional John Edward impersonators, will be availabile for rental at specially partnered funeral homes in cities throughout the nation.  Your customers' loved ones will be able to communicate with the deceased from the moment they first contact you to the moment you conclude the final services -- and we think your bottom line will be pleased to know that these messages from beyond the grave, thanks to attractive terms of contract with Mr. Edward, contain highly effective and strategically placed upsell messages.

CELEBRITY PALLBEARERS. 

If one message has come through loud and clear as a result of our innovative and informative Moment-of-Burial customer service polls, it's this:  "why should big shots have all the fun?"  Today's funeral services client is tired of watching televised funerals where sports idols, Hollywood stars and heads of state carry the casket of a recently deceased A-lister, while they're stuck having to recruit a mooching great-uncle they haven't seen in 15 years and who will eat all the mini-pizzas at the reception to bear an eighth of the load.  Now, with our celebrity pallbearer program, all that will change.  We've got genuine, recognizable celebrities -- from Rodney Allen Rippy and Michael Damian to Jill Whelan and former Phillies first baseman John Kruk -- at a price that almost everyone can afford.  Best of all, it can be combined with our themed casket program; if there's anything more comforting than seeing your loved one laid to rest in a casket shaped like the A-Team van, carried by honorary pallbearer Dirk Benedict, our marketing department hasn't found it yet.

Which isn't to say we're not working on it!  In the years to come, we'll be rolling out even more innovative, dignified and profitable funeral innovations; this year alone, we're hoping to debut our in-casket costume service, our special combined holiday-funeral theme caskets, and our roomy, luxurious Family Affair receptacles for traffic accidents, air crashes and home invasions.  Zedco Funeral Services Industries understands that the American way of death is, after all, the American way.

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"The end of a picture is always an end of a life." (Sam Peckinpah)