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LUDIC LOG

Dear Ms Ford

First off I want to apologize for calling you Miss in the first letter I wrote to you. I dont see a lot of women around here and I dont know their ways so I didnt mean to offend you or any suchlike.

Second of all I wanted to say I appreciate them nice things you said about me and it sure will be a pleasure working with you for this project of yours. I guess it is a priveledge to be a part of it. Its good to see a young person get and education and I surely wish I had got one myself but as you know things didnt really work out for me that way. I do a lot of reading in here which most of the guys dont like to do and thats something like an education I guess, but nothing like what your getting. Mostly I read law books and engineering too because I like to know how things work. Not that you dont do much the same, only with the mind I suppose and good luck with that. If Dr Graves is anything as good a teacher as he is a psychologist then I reckon youre in for a treat.

So about this here quiz you sent me. A focused questionnaire it says on the front. Ill be honest with you Ms Ford I dont really know what that is. It kind of reminds me of this thing that Dr Graves had me doing. Basically he would tell me to read these dumb sentences that made me feel like some kind of cheerleader and then I was supposed to say them to miyself in the mornings. He called them guided affirmations which to me is a funny name like focused questionnaire. I quit doing them guided affirmations after a while but Dr Graves dont know it. How about that can be our little secret, you and me?

I guess I will just go in order.

Its very kind of you to say nice things about how well spoken I am. I noticed too that my spelling and so on has gotten better but thanks for pointing it out just the same. I reckon it is pretty fine being under the care of Dr Graves and having him use me in teaching his classes and whatnot. It feels a lot like a favorite pet must feel if you know what I mean.

I really dont think Im trying to accomplish anything by getting into them fights like you say. I rarely think about accomplishment being in here as I am. But the fact of the matter Ms Ford is that there are certain situations in prison where you are just going to be better off establishing something no matter what you have to pay for it. Thats how it was with that fella. I know Im not supposed to say his name and I also know Im not supposed to talk about this but some of them blacks come in here with a real attitude and thats the truth. And they go looking for the biggest toughest white fella they can find because they got something to prove especially if that white fella has a reputation. And I know I got no one to blame for that but myself for hanging out with all the Aryan boys but thats in the past and there aint nothing I can do about it now. Nor can I help what I look like. So with that boy he was just spoiling for a fight and he was gonna get it whether I gave it to him or not and ever or not I tried to stay away from him it was gonna end with me on the end of a shank or something much as bad. So I brought it to him all right and gave him hell. And no it wasnt right and no it aint gonna do any good for healing me or whatever you want to call it. But you know what? That boy aint gonna give me no trouble when they let me out of solitary.

I dont really appreciate the questions about my mama. I know youre gonna think that means something because thats what Dr Graves always thinks too and I guess there aint nothing I can do about that. But it aint appropriate.

Whats it like in here, was one of your questions? Well I read some of the papers you put in this package and that was good to read because like I told you there aint much to read around here. But I gotta tell you that whoever wrote that dont know much about what its really like inside at all. Its all well and good to talk about structure and social norms and all that but thats just someone talking. Here's what its like in here: its like doing the same job every day for a hell of a long year but you dont get to go home at the end of the day. Its like living in a small town only theres no place to shop or to spend your time. You know how you and your friends down at college talk about what to do when the weekend comes and your classes is over? Well thats what its like here only there aint nowhere to go and the weekend comes not for twenty years. For some of us it never comes.

The last thing was all about the choices I woulda made and what I plan to do when I get out. I guess you know that theyll never let me out and as for the rest of it, its a goddamn fool who spends his time on what he shoulda done. Im sorry to use that kind of language. As I say its been a while since I talked to a woman and I guess I forget how its done.

Hey, kids! The one-year anniversary of the Ludic Log is two weeks away (02.03.03), and we're celebrating by taking your requests. Use the e-mail link below to suggest an idea, an entry, a question, or a request, and we'll do her during anniversary week. Thanks for reading.