LUDIC LOG

Congratulations! If you are reading this, you are just one step away from the exciting world of employment with the Z-Mart Corporation. At this stage of the hiring process, you have already completed the application, background check, drug screening, first interview, loyalty test, credit review, second interview, non-disclosure agreement, fingerprinting, third interview, and fluid extraction, and you are ready for this final step!

The following psychological test, based on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory and adapted to Z-Mart's needs by the American Association for Retail Sociology, will determine your 'mental fitness' to perform the important duties of an Automotive Department Cashier. Upon completion of the test, it will be turned over to Dr. Carl Hartnett, our corporate psychodoctologian. Dr. Hartnett, who assures us that he is a graduate of the prestigious Hartford University, will review it and assess your suitability to withstand the pressures and temptations of the hurly-burly world of ringing up air filters.

Read each statement carefully, and depending on whether you agree or disagree with the statement, use the No. 2 pencil we provided you at minimal cost to mark "T" or "F" for "true" or "false". The "T" is the one that looks like the cross if Jesus hadn't had a head, and the "F" is the onle that looks like not the "T".

Remember, there are no wrong answers -- only answers that will result in your being disqualified for employment and facing criminal prosecution. Let's begin!

1. I enjoy stealing things when no one is looking.

2. It's very difficult for me to spot hidden security cameras.

3. My drug habit is best described as "manageable".

4. Although I frequently fantasize about gunning down my co-workers in a deadly rampage, I would probably not put such thoughts into action.

5. Ripping off big corporations is okay, because they are, like, the Man.

6. If God had meant for me to be normal, he wouldn't have given me the ability to shoot acid out of my eyeballs.

7. The very concept of shoplifting is alien to me.

8. Being bellowed at by morbidly obese middle managers is fun.

9. I like the way polyester smocks look and smell.

10. There are no small jobs, only the chumps who get stuck doing them.

11. Many of my friends are union organizers, undercover reporters, and personal injury lawyers.

12. When people read me labor laws, my first reaction is to sleep.

13. I have less than a passing familiarity with federal minimum wage requirements.

14. I don't know what "OSHA" means, and I don't want to know.

15. One of my hobbies is squealing on troublemakers.

16. For me, breaks are the best time to drink a fifth of Scotch and catch up on my arson.

17. Who's up for a lot of unpaid overtime? I know I am!

18. Trying to talk to me in a calm and rational manner only makes me punch harder.

19. I would never fuck the guy who does the lube jobs in a utility closet.

20. Being humiliated by customers is the brightest part of my day.

There! You're done. Now just go home, relax, and wait for our call! Wait alertly, right by your phone, and do not leave the state. Or your house. In fact, it's probably best if you don't move at all. And welcome aboard! Maybe.