LUDIC LOG

"Okay. Looks like you're all set. Just make sure you keep it dry, apply the cream every few hours, and don't get expose it to direct sunlight for a couple of days. How are you going to be paying for this?"

"This will be applied to our existing Visa credit card accounts."

"Okay, great. Hey, funny name."

"It's, er, it's not clear to me at the moment what the funny aspect of the name is at this time."

"Well, just that you have a famous name. Donald Rumsfeld. Like the Secretary of Defense."

"That person and myself are, in fact, identical."

"I...what? That's you? You're the Secretary of Defense? That Donald Rumsfeld?"

"It's totally inappropriate, Ron, for any other Donald Rumsfelds, or non-Donald Rumsfelds, to lay claim to that title. Yes."

"Wow. I mean, I wouldn't have guessed."

"This isn't the time for guesswork and games, Ron. This is a time, as you are no doubt aware, for precision and accuracy."

"No, you're right. It's just that, well, you know. I wouldn't have figured you for a Priest fan."

"There's a lot of aspects to this operation.Some are going to fit the mold. Some are not going to fit the mold. Some are going to break the mold. Some are not going to have mold at all. We are keeping that under wraps, because that will give us, er, flexibility."

"I'm sorry. Uh, sir. Do I have to call you sir?"

"It's not a requirement. But I would suggest that anyone who is on board with this administration, who is not going out of their way to be a troublemaker or a, a what have you, that yes, that's an appropriate way to approach the issue."

"Oh, I mean, that's cool. Sir. I liked Stained Class myself. But I just never figured you for the type to even have a tattoo."

"Well, we're moving into new areas here, Ron. Changing times, and the like. Call for, for new measures."

"Uh."

"Come on, son. Spit it out. We've been more than patient, and I would ask, how much longer are we expected to wait around here for you to get your brass up? There's altogether too much, ah, fannying around here."

"I guess I just wanted to ask, if President Bush has any ink."

"The President has looked into that option. And I don't want to say that he's rejected it, and I don't want to say that he's committed to it. It's an option, and it's one of many options, and it's going to remain an option. The last thing we want to do is to start playing the gimme game at a time like this. I can say, I believe, that the President has a Prince Albert."

"No fucking way."

"Son. This is a time of crisis. That potty talk can stay outside with the garbagemen."

"Okay, I'm sorry, sir. I just never would have imagined he'd be the type, I suppose."

"You're thinking of the old George Bush. By which I mean not the President's father, although he is a George Bush and, technically speaking, older. I mean rather the George Bush that is the George Bush now, but not the one now in a certain sense, that sense being the one that I'm talking about in this instance. That one -- the new one, or the current one -- is firmly committed to democracy, international law, butt plugs, war with Iraq, a woman's right to not choose, not affirmative action, and body modifications of all kinds."

"Wow. That's great."

"That is great. You're damn right that's great, and you'd do well to remember it, and its greatness, come next November."

"It seems like the least I could do. For my country, I mean."

"Now that's the first sensible thing you've said all day, Ron. Except for when you said not to move around so much. Is there a liquor store near here?"

Dear friend, won't you join me please in welcoming in the one-year anniversary of the Ludic Log on Feb. 3rd? You can help by clicking on the e-mail link below and sending me ideas, questions, suggestions, requests, and the like, which will be replied to during the week-long celebration.