It's new comics Wednesday, and to commemorate the pouring of more of my retirement money into a four-color pit, I thought we might take a look at a few of the rarities in my collection -- not the really good rarities, like Captain America #1 or that issue of Blackhawk where Chop-Chop punches Chuck in the neck and calls him a cracker, but the short-lived comics whose only claim to fame is the size and scope of their failure.  Let's take a look at some of these Toons That Time Forgot!

FIGHTIN' ITALIAN-AMERICAN.  This quasi-patriotic hero debuted in the late 1970s and lasted only six issues.  In each, "gainfully employed legitimate businessman" Francsico Colasetti would don the garish red, white, blue, green and red togs of the Fightin' Italian-American to break up a different organized crime ring, usually operated by Asians, African-Americans, Greeks or hillbillies.  At the conclusion of each adventure, pompous district attorney Gaylord Waspington would ask him why he never went after the Mafia, and the FI-A would respond that it was a myth.

GROOVY MONSTER HOT-ROD HOEDOWN.  An attempt in the early 1960s to cash in on then-popular youth trends, GMHH failed due to its overambitiousness.  Kids of the time were interested in beatnik culture, custom cars, folk music, and the famous monsters of filmland, but had no desire to see them all combined into one poorly drawn magazine.  The adventures of Hot Wheels O'Dracula, his beatnik folk-singing girlfriend Finky Frankensteen, and the jive-talking invisible mechanic Transparent Thompson lasted only two issues.

FEDERICO FELLINI FUNNIES.  Ambitious and artfully conceived, this doomed 1990s title used the Italian filmmaker's own storyboards as a model for bimonthly comic book adaptations of such legendary films as Roma, 8 1/2 and La Strada.  Each issue would also feature an interview with different Fellini actor, mail-in premiums that were refundable for discounts on Criterion Collection DVDs, and illustrated mini-essays by leading film critics.  Unfortunately, this left very little money in the budget, and the art and drawing chores were handed over to Jack Chick.

DR. Q.  Conceived as an 'answer book' to comics legend Steve Ditko's notorious Mr. A comics, in which a hardcore Objectivist hero dispenses vigilante justice against various philosophical straw-men, Dr. Q was presented as "the world's post-structuralist superhero".  Along with his gorgeous fiance, Ariel Gray, Dr. Q -- in reality, Ivy League ethics professor Stone Crabbe -- battled terrorists, fanatics and criminals by arguing with them over the arbitrary nature of human constructs and the malleable quality of language until they agreed to attend a series of lectures.

MY TRUEST ROMANCE.  Considered, at the time of its 2004 debut, a highly promising gesture towards getting girls involved with comics, MTR was likewise a highly anticipated return of true romance comics and a very welcome overture to creator-run titles.  Unfortunately, the wrong creator was placed at the helm; each one of artist/writer Tarin McDuffie's stories was a literally true retelling of one of her many disastrous breakups and subsequent institutionalizations.

GANGRENOUS TUNNEL FUCK.  This attempt by an American company to bring U.S.-style superhero action to the comic-book-hungry Japanese public in 2005 seemed poised for success; terrific stories, unique and interesting plots and characters, and top-notch artists were employed to reverse the trend of Japanese manga gobbling up market share.  All of the quality talent involved in the project, however, came at the expense of hiring a decent translator.

BENNY BUMSRUSH.  Tipping in 1956, this poor-little-rich-boy title attempted to capitalize on the runaway success of rival Richie Rich.  Where the Richest Kid in the World came across as friendly and helpful, however, little Benny Bumsrush was arrogant, overpriveleged and intolerant, ending every adventure by ordering his robotic butler, Codswollop, to deliver a brutal beating to a transient, mental patient or menial laborer.  The additional inexplicable decision to print a full page each issue of recent bankruptcy declarations proved embarrassing to many children.

MAN-SPIDER.  The story of an awkward and socially inept teenage spider who attained incredible human-like powers as the result of exposure to radioactivity featured stories and characters that would have been uniquely realistic and identifiable, were they not directly copied from the previous month's issue if Spider-Man and redrawn with arachnids as the heroes rather than human.  Marvel's lawyers put an end to the title shortly after the first Appearance of Octer Doctopus.

SGT. SISSY.  This WWII title, featuring the comical adventures of "the pansiest man in the Marine Corps", proved to be a popular comic in 1941 and 1942, as readers got a break from the often-grim wartime news by laughing at the incompetence of the incompetent, effeminate, and easily injured jarhead.  Its popularity dipped when the February 1943 issue, entitled "Surrender to Superior Hero Soldier of Nippon!" was confiscated by the US government and the entire run of the book was discovered to be the result of Japanese propaganda programs.

ASTONISHING SCIENCE FICTION.  After seeing its star-studded, gorgeously drawn cover, thousands of kids poned up their dimes to get the debut issue of this 1957 comic.  As it turned out, however, the book merely featured an astronomer ("Dr. Techno", whose imaginary nature justified the title's use of the word 'fiction') explaining in great detail why the adventures of all their favorite superheroes were physically impossible. The book was cancelled after the low sales of issue #2, in which "Dr. Techno" explained that young Kal-El of Krypton would either have been mangled to death while attempting to reach escape velocity or starved while drifting forever in the empty void of space. 

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