LUDIC LOG

CHICAGO (AP) -- Time traveler Sir Henry Colfield, in his first interview since arriving in the year 2003 from the late nineteenth century, expressed amazement at the prevalence of male homosexuality today.

Sir Henry, who in 1903 moved into the estate next door to time traveler, historian and novelist H.G. Wells, traveled to the 21st century "more or less on a lark", he says, hoping to repeat the fantastic adventures of his celebrated neighbor. While he has been amazed by a number of things about our modern age -- manned flight, electronic technology, medical advances, and the widespread availability of refrigerated convenience foods -- he is by far the most impressed by the frequency, commonality and accessibility of gay sex.

"Herbert was forever telling me of his thrilling excursions in the time-travel machine," explained Colfield in an interview with Oprah Winfrey on her nationally syndicated television progam, "and, since we had a cordial relationship -- playing tennis, exchanging dinner receipts, and the like -- he had often invited me to utilize the daring contraption some week-end. However, I was disinclined to visit the far-flung future which he described, as it seemed exclusively populated by a lot of hideous wogs he referred to as Morlocks. I determined, instead, to travel a mere 100 years into the future, to see how fared Europe after a century and perhaps receive some notion as to where to place my investments.

"I must say, I was unprepared for the level of bottomry I encountered upon my arrival."

The practice of homosexual carnality was in fact practiced during Colfield's day; however, it was not widely accepted and consisted, he says, of "furtive slickleggings with the help, covert rounds of the biscuit game, and whatnot". A celebrated case involving Oscar Wilde cooled the public on anal sex enthusiasts such as Sir Henry. For this and other reasons, he considers it to his great fortune that he has arrived in an era which provides ample opportunities for sodomy.

"Far from Herbert's dystopian struggle for survival," he gleefully told an audience of midwestern housewives, "I have lucked upon a situation in which bottomry is, if not actually embraced, at least widely available, and if I may be forgiven a personal observation, of an extremely high quality. There are entire neighborhoods in which creams and ointments to facilitate the process of bottomry are sold at what I am led to understand are very reasonable prices; the young gentlemen of this era are far more attractive and attentive to matters of hygeine and dress than were the lads in my day; and in the infrequent event that I have been unable to obtain a fellow who will gamahuche me in a public sanitary closet, there are amazing machines which allow me to view other attractive chaps rogering each other in a variety of fashions at my leisure.

"Only last night, I was taken by a barrister of my recent acquaintance to a social-club where I was urinated on by three separate strangers! It truly is a wondrous world you 21st-century people inhabit."

Asked by an audience member if he had developed a fondness for any other modern culture or technology, Colfield confessed to the audience that while he was confronted with fresh wonders each passing day, none had managed to make a mark on his conscience in the same way that ready access to gay tail had done. "Honestly, I don't wish to be seen as a Johnny One-Note," he assured Ms. Winfrey, "but in the end, it really all comes back to the bottomry. I found myself enthralled by this device known as the intra-net, which apparently is a calculating-engine capable of astounding feats, but once I discovered its utility as a means of aquiring photo-graphs of muscular young fellows wrestling, I quickly lost interest in its other applications.

"I am assured by friends," the time-traveling nobleman concluded, "that there are public theatres in which anonymous strangers meet, watch moving images of fellow bottomry enthusiasts, and then have genital carryings-on with one another right there in the theatre. What a wonderful time to be alive!"

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