LUDIC LOG

Hi, kids! It's great to be here today. I'm Gary Markson...that's right! I'm Walter's big brother. And he's picked me to come speak to you on career day. Now, before you ask me any questions, let's start off with me asking you a question! Who can tell me what this is?

You, what's your name? Timmy? Timmy, do you know what this is? Ha ha! No, it's not a laser beam! No, this is a laser beam over here, right above my left eyehatch. Anyone else? You? Cindy. Want to take a guess? A pony? No, it's not a pony. That's okay, it's an easy mistake to make. Well, why don't I just tell you? Okay. This is an industrial welding gun. No, it's not the kind of gun you shoot criminals and immigrants with, like Joe's father. This is a gun you use to weld pieces of steel to other pieces of steel! I use it in my work. Because I am...a...C-124 Detent Assem...oh, the chalk broke.

Can I get another...thanks. A C-124...damn. Oh! I'm sorry. Yes, I know, third-graders. Maybe you should do this.

I am a C-124 Detent Assembly Welding Robot! That's right! Who's heard of detent assembly? Does anyone know what it is? No? Ha, ha! No, son, I'm not a movie star. But what I do helps build the doorframes and steering columns for the sports utility vehicles that movies stars drive! My job is to weld metal components from automotive and small engine parts to other metal components from automotive and small engine parts. What's that? You have a question? Oh, all kinds of metal!

Steel, aluminum...uh...well, that's it, really. Steel and aluminum. But theoretically, any kind of metal! Plus, several different grades of steel.

Yes? In the back? Well, you'd have to stay in school and get really good grades, and always do what your teachers and parents tell you! Actually, no, they just put a chip in my head that contains my work instructions. But stay in school anyway. The doing what people tell you part is very important. Yes.

No, I don't put together ponies. They come like that. I don't know. Really, that might be a better question for Suzy's mom. She's a proctologist. No, I'm not a proctologist, but let me tell you something, I deal with a lot of...oh, right, sorry. No, I know. They're too young. Look, I'm sorry, okay?

Jesus. Er, I mean, uh, listen to Jesus, kids! He'll, uh, he won't steer you wrong.

How did I decide to become a robot? That's a great question. Well, I was in college, and I had to drop out. What? Oh, it's a long story. They changed the grading system, and there was this thing I didn't know about, and, well, Joe's father knows what I'm talking about. Anyway, I didn't have fancy rich parents like a lot of you little...little kids, so I had to go to work in an automotive production plant. And the scientists, see, who you've all heard so much about, they came up with these machines that could replace guys like me! So they offered me the choice of getting laid off or undergoing the conversion process, and...what? Laid off. It means you don't go to work anymore. Yeah, I know, it sounds great, but believe me, there's a downside.

Okay, last question. I'm running on reserve power. Yes, you, the Chinese boy. What? Sorry, Filipino. Whatever. Okay. Did it hurt? That's a good one. Well, I seem to remember it hurting an incredible amount at the time, but, you know, they replaced a lot of my brain with printed circuits, and I'm not sure I really know what pain even feels like anymore, so I can't say for sure.

All right! Well, thanks for having me in class, everyone, and if you have any more questions about human-robot conversion, just ask your teacher or principal. Remember to, uh, stay in school, I guess, and, uh, thanks!

No, I'll just go out the way I came in. The hole's not getting any smaller.

I like anniversaries. So sue me! The one-year mark of this log is comin' up on Monday, so send me questions, requests, or whathaveya and we'll have a week-long thingy-do. Send me an e-mail, why don't you?