LUDIC LOG

To: Mr. Mark Buchanan; Grand Rapids, MI

From: Cindy Relaford, Customer Service Center, Hand-E-Home Inc.; King of Prussia, PA

Re: Your most recent complaint

Dear Mr. Buchanan,

It's good to hear from you again! Your devotion to Hand-E-Home products is nothing short of amazing, and we value you as one of our most loyal customers. And, yes, now that you mention it, I do feel as if I've come to know you as a person, from your many, many calls and letters to me and the rest of the operators here at the Customer Service Center.

As to the problem at hand: thank you for the kind words regarding the Hand-E-Home Lint Removal Roller. This is, as you correctly surmised, a new product for us, and although it's been quite a successful roll-out so far, we cannot anticipate its household performance under all circumstances. While we thoroughly test all our products prior to release, consumer feedback like yours is vitally important to our understanding of exactly how they will perform under day-to-day usage conditions.

That said, I am at something of a loss to explain what might be causing the problems you describe. Since, for reasons you will surely appreciate more than anyone, this is an issue of some delicacy, I offer the following in as respectful a manner as possible.

1. Did you eat the product? If you will recall from our previous communications of March 21, 1997 (the Hand-E-Home bath mat) and September 19, 2002 (the Hand-E-Home stud finder), our company does not make food products, and none of our line of home repair and household goods are meant to be taken internally. The Hand-E-Home lint removal roller is meant to be used to remove lint, animal hair, dust and other light residue from funiture and clothing, not to be eaten. If, however, you did eat the product, it is conceivable that during the process of expulsion and digestion, it may have caused the symptoms you describe.

2. Did you, during the normal operation of the product, fall over, sit down, or become startled by a loud noise or unexpected sight? Think carefully about this; it is most likely to have occurred while you were removing lint from a chair in which you were about to sit, or cleaning cat hair off a pair of pants or the tail of a formal jacket you happened to be wearing at the time. If this occurred, and you made a sudden violent motion, the product could possibly have moved in such a way as to have resulted in the complaint as you have described it to us.

3. Did you, for any reason whatsoever, place this product in your colon? If I may be frank, Mr. Buchanan, this would, insofar as the product is a polished wooden dowel surrounded by a roll of strong adhesive tape with the sticky side out, have caused precisely the symptoms you so helpfully described in thorough and graphic detail in your recent letters. I do not wish to sound like a scold, and we here at Hand-E-Home are more than appreciative of your willingness to deal with us here in the Customer Service Center rather than immediately getting a lawyer involved as so many people do in these litigious times, but in truth, 17 of your last 23 complaints to this department regarding Hand-E-Home consumer goods could easily have been avoided had you simply not placed them in your rectum in the first place.

Mr. Buchanan, you are obviously an intelligent man and an informed, conscientious consumer. You must surely appreciate the reason than we cannot place a large, prominent label on our products that reads 'WARNING: DO NOT INSERT ANALLY'. We have our customer's sensibilities to think about. Despite your claims that we "must get complaints like this all the time", in all honesty you are the only person in the 37 years since Hand-E-Home's founding who has ever experienced this problem at all, let alone nearly two dozen times in the last ten years. At any rate, please let me know if it was one of the first two factors that caused your discomfort. If it was the third, I must ask you, as I asked you in December, October, and March through August inclusive of last year, to refrain from this contraindicated usage of our products.

Thank you again for choosing Hand-E-Home, Inc. for all your household needs.

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