LUDIC LOG

As part of the Ludic Log's one-year anniversary celebration week, I will answer questions from my devoted readership. Prima Tardo of Upper Balloonland writes:

Greetings, Mr. Kid!

I write a blog myself, a small one run out of the west coast. Retardoblog. Perhaps you have heard of it?

I have indeed, Ms. Tardo, and enjoy reading it on a daily basis. Or near as dammit.

In any case, I and my retardostaff extend our warmest congratulations on your pinnacle of greatness culminating on the third of the month of February in the year of our lord, 2003.

We have questions! Yes.

1. Will you shave your head for your entire life?

I will shave my head until nature shaves it for me. Unfortunately, I am apparently a sexless mutant half-girl, since I do not produce sufficient testosterone to have become bald. So I must continue relying on unnatural means to remove my unsightly head-hair. A far more pressing problem is shaving my face, which I hate worse than anything. Oh, I've got problems.

2. When will you be getting your next tattoo?

As soon as I can afford it. Or, in practical terms, never.

3. How do you decide which writing ideas are worthwhile?

I don't think any of my writing ideas are worthwhile. However, some are more not worthwhile than others. My rule of thumb is, if it amuses me slightly and I can get five paragraphs out of it, it goes in the log. If it meets these criteria, does't totally suck, and can have superheroes stuck on it, it goes in the novel. If it's none of those things, I donate it to needy third-world child writers.

4. Do you enjoy writing every single time you write?

No. Sometimes it is a bore, sometimes a chore, and sometimes a slore, which is a word I just made up meaning 'agonizing hell-ride'. But I enjoy it more than anything else I do, and to paraphrase Gloria "Bunny" Steinem, it's the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel like I should be doing something else.

5. Do you pick certain albums or types of music to listen to while writing certain things? If so, what goes with what for you?

When I was a raging young buck, I used to blast loud punk and rap when I wrote. Unfortunately, my writing sucked ass back then. Nowadays, I tend to forego music when I write, because I find it a little distracting, and this only gets worse as I become older, crankier and more decrepit. From time to time I will listen to music that seems to facilitate my mood, which will vary based on the moment. Oddly enough, I never listen to my current three favorite kinds of music (underground hip-hop, Scandanavian black metal and Japanese noise-rock) when I'm writing.

6. Would you describe yourself as energetic and extroverted?

No. No, I would not.

7. (Did you just hear a gunshot?)

It didn't come from me. Ain't nobody can prove nothin'.

8. If you were faced with homelessness (no job, no possible prospect of one, and no money) where would you go?

There are three possibilities:

(a) Into a bank, with a gun.

(b) Hell.

(c) Your house.

9. What is your favorite feeling?

Is "being asleep" a feeling? If so, that. If not, uh, I dunno, schadenfreude.