LUDIC LOG

As the week-long celebration of the Ludic Log's one-year anniversary winds down, we present what we hope will be the first in a series of ocassional interviews here in this space. Always cognizant of the value of starting a new feature out with a bang, we present the best interview we could possibly imagine: Leonard Pierce, beloved founder of the Ludic Log, interviewed by Ludic Log head writer Leonard Pierce.

Leonard, thanks for joining us today.

No problem. I wasn't really doing anything else. Hey, you look fantastic.

Thanks. So do you. Let's get right down to business: rumors are out of control in internet business journals. Is the Ludic Log still profitable?

Wow, you don't pull any punches, do you? God, that's so attractive. I'm not going to lie to you, Leonard: the Log has been going through some tough times. We laid off half the staff last month when she was late with our Ice Maiden, and two of our six readers no longer have internet access as a result of having been recently incarcerated. But we've come up with some exciting new plans, including attracting venture capital by making a lot of crazy promises and overblown claims, and also an innovative new advertising scheme.

What does that entail?

Essentially, we've done Salon one better. We'll be keeping our pay-per-view subscription scheme, where your credit card is automatically charged for each page view, but we're adding a feature where you can read each page for free, if you first turn on your TV and watch an advertisement. It saves us a lot of money and labor costs by not having to produce any ads ourselves, or put them on the site. It's an exciting time.

The Ludic Log is a phenomenal success, attracting readers from around the world who found it by Googling for pornography, or who are dyslexic and were looking up the word "lucid". What accounts for the Log's sometimes-triple-digit daily hit counts?

It's a mix of things. Part of it is the high quality of the writing -- as you're of course aware, we have exacting criteria for submission, from the necessity of being in English, to the need to fill up lots of space no matter how much padding we need to put in, to the fact that we won't do pieces based on any idea, unless we happened to think of it. Part of it is because of the economy; lots of people are out of work and have nothing better to do, and lots more have really boring jobs. And, of course, we can't discount the fact that we have the sexiest staff on the internet, now that Suck has folded.

What were some of your inspirations in starting the Ludic Log a year ago? What defining moments led to this, the zenith of on-line literature?

Oh, there's been so many. But if I had to pick a few touchstones...well, of course, there was the first time I got really high. It's impossible to overestimate the importance of marijuana on the creation of this log. The realization that I was never going to make anything of myself was a key moment. There was the "everybody else is doing it" factor, although I added my own original twist by doing it worse than everyone else. The creation of the internet by my dorm-mate Al Gore back in '87 was a big one. And, of course, in 1996, this old guy I met in a coffee shop told me the internet would be a great way to get chicks. I think that's gonna pan out really soon, I can feel it.

Any seminal influences?

God. The Old Testament God, not the pussy-ass one in the New Testament. Also, people who sing about God, especially that "You Light Up My Life" song. Christian Claiborn and Michael Conklin, whoever they are. Neal Pollack was an huge influence on me before I had ever heard of him, although now that I've read his stuff, not so much. Any girl who has made out with me, has thought about making out with me, or will make out with me in the future. Bruce Lee. Any rock critic who uses the word "seminal".

Thanks for the interview, babe. I'm off to write tonight's entry...SUCKER!

I don't even know what I pay you for.