LUDIC LOG

Once again the nation holds its collective breath until I give my Oscar picks. Once again, I am pleased to let my people breathe again. Here we go.

Best Supporting Actor: Agent Chris Cooper from The X-Files gets a nod as "Post-Modernist Stand-in #2" in Adaptation; Ed Harris, best known as former Ohio Senator John Glenn, is up for his role as a guy who doesn't like George Bush in The Hours; Paul Newman reminds the Academy that he's still alive with his role in Road to Perdition; friend of the Ludic Log John C. Reilly impresses before disappearing halfway into Chicago; and Christopher Walken puts in a schoolchild-frighteningly good performance in Catch Me If You Can. MY PICK: never one to miss out on a pick that could personally benefit me, I'm going to have to betray how shallow I really am and pick John C. Reilly for Chicago.

Best Supporting Actress: Kathy Bates, the fat woman's Meryl Streep, turns in a stellar performance as a crazy hippie in About Schmidt; Julianne Moore, the redhead's Meryl Streep, sparkles as yet another repressed housewife in The Hours; Queen Latifah, the black lesbian ex-rapper's Meryl Streep, proves that Living Single was no fluke in Chicago; Meryl Streep, the Meryl Streep's Meryl Streep, is Meryl Streep in Adaptation; and Catherine Zeta-Jones, the cell phone spokesperson's Meryl Streep, appears as an overblown, vengeful bitch in Chicago, of which she reminds us that she is the star. MY PICK: I will not rest until Meryl Streep wins every acting award in Hollywood, even the ones she's not nominated for. She wins it for Adaptation.

Best Actor: Adrian Brody pretends to be both Jewish and a piano player in The Pianist; Nicolas Cage pretends to be both a smart-assed screenwriter and the smart-assed screenwriter's demented alter ego in Adaptation; Michael Caine stars in a movie the Academy pretended to see in The Quiet American; Daniel Day-Lewis doesn't pretend at all in his portrayal of a boisterous, inexplicable maniac in Gangs of New York; and Jack Nicholson pretends to star in a feel-good indie comedy when in fact he's quietly despising everyone in About Schmidt. MY PICK: Day-Lewis deserves to win, but I'm pulling for Adrian Brody, because "pianist" sounds kind of like "penis".

Best Actress: Salma Hayek portrays Frida, who gets a bus driveshaft up her cooter and becomes an unstoppable killing machine; Nicole Kidman portrays little Ginny Stephen in The Hours, a brilliant modernist author whose nose wasn't really that big; Diane Lane, who I didn't know was still alive, plays someone or other in Unfaithful, a movie I've never heard of; Julianne Moore, in Far From Heaven, has a black gardener and a gay husband, which probably explains why her house looks so nice; and Renee Zellweger, in Chicago, proves that you can get multiple Oscar nominations despite not actually being a very good actress. MY PICK: Salma Hayek is half- Arab. Can there be any doubt that she wins it for Frida?

Best Picture: Chicago, the hilarious musical comedy about the life of Richard J. Daley, featuring John C. Reilly as Da Mare and Toronto as Chicago; Gangs of New York, a melodrama about the origins of the Sharks and the Jets, featuring Leonardo diCaprio as an 19th-century ancestor of Tony; The Hours, a touching film about three suburban housewives who spend endless hours attempting to understand the impenetrable prose of Virginia Woolf; The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, a documentary film about dark lord Osama bin-Laden's attack on America using inhuman orks and trolls; and Roman Polanski's latest hardcore pornographic epic, The Pianist. MY PICK: As last year, I can't say no to porn, and Polanski's lovingly rendered, triumphant film about a Polish refugee's attempt to come to terms with his gigantic, persecuted male organ is my pick. The Pianist is rising.