LUDIC LOG

From Imaginary Films, a Division of Exploitation Ventures Ltd., 3 dynamite new films for the wushu devotee. Just in time for Oscar voting in 2004. Or Hong Kong International Fist-Fighting Film Awards voting in 2003.

First, from the makers of Bruce vs. Shaolin, Bruce vs. Bob and Bruce vs. Devil Demon Dragon Style, we present a tribute to the master: BRUCE VS. LEE!

When yet another cheap hack-job studio intending to capitalize on the Little Dragon's legend announces an open casting call, mayhem reigns supreme as half a dozen Bruces and half a dozen Lees show up for the same audition! Who will win this all-out purported jeet kune do battle royale? Who will star in "Bruce vs. Filibuster IV"? Who will wear the crown as "toughest fake Bruce Lee of them all"?

Starring Bruce Le, Bruce Li, Bruce Liang, Bruce Leh, Bruce Lo, Bruce Chan, Jet Lee, Dragon Lee, China Lee, Jacky Lee, Cheng Lee, and Tommy Lee. Guest starring Bruce Willis, Tommy Lee Jones, and Johnny "They Call Me Bruce" Yune. Introducing Sambo Hang and Chew Yung Phat, and Brandon Li, the world's first Brandon Lee imitator. Directed by John Wu.

Next, since we have had such a great deal of success with our Wu-Tang collection where we retitle old Hong Kong chopsockies with hip-hop names to attract the young urban crowd), we've decided to release WU-TANG MASTERS OF SHAOLIN: the first kung fu movie to feature the actual Wu-Tang clan as the heroes!

Watch as Ghostface Killah battles Shaolin policemen who hassle him for driving a BMW. See Ol' Dirty Bastard perfect his "Drunken Master" style by guzzling 40-ouncer after 40-ouncer of Mickey's Little Kings. Thrill as RZA and GZA try to convince the audience that they're not the same person. Witness Inspectah Deck practice his deadly Pa Kua techniques, then hang out at his bitch's crib. Be awed as Masta Killa conquers every one of the 36 chambers of Shaolin while using the word "nigga" more than you might expect from a monk. Hang on the edge of your seat as U-God and Cappadonna mistake the evil Manchu oppressor for the Korean guy who runs the corner grocery where they buy cigarettes. And be amazed at the way Raekwon and Method Man start a feud between northern punches and southern kicks that ends in bloodshed at the Soul Train Music Awards.

Finally, Imaginary Films presents what may be the first crossover kung-fu action success of the 21st century: WHITE MASTERS OF THE MARTIAL ARTS.

Tired of the same old Asian death-dealers spitting out acrobatic blows with little to no effort? Tired of seamless choreography? Tired of authentic styles, exciting fights, and well-trained actors intimate with both their art and their culture? Then have we got the movie for you. White Masters of the Martial Arts follows in the footsteps of the giants: the wooden acting and bad mustache of Chuck "Yellow Tiger" Norris; the clumsy moves and bad mustache of James Ryan; the hamfisted choreography and bad mustache of Richard Norton; and the nonexistent charisma and bad hair of Steven Seagal. If you like puffy, overweight hairy men straining to do high kicks, made-up martial arts styles like "kojukenbai" or "jukwankido", lots of expressionless nodding, and guest appearances by the star's older brother, then White Masters is the movie for you. We promise that not only do all the leads give up and start looking for a gun halfway through the movie, but also that you'll do the same.