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LUDIC LOG

02.12.2004

THINGS ABOUT THIS SUPERMAN COMIC "THE SUPER-GORILLA FROM KRYPTON"

Page 1: "Our spears have no effect on devil beast!" (some savage African)

Page 2: "Africa is rapidly yielding to civilization!" (Jimmy Olsen's guide)

Page 3: "Amazing! He must be an unknown species of gorilla with muscular power beyond the ordinary!" (Superman)

Page 4: Superman captures the super-gorilla by finding him asleep and building a cage around him made of some abandoned railroad tracks that just happened to be lying around, here, in the heart of the African jungle.

Page 5: Superman looks really fat.

Page 6: The gorilla, who retard Jimmy Olsen has named "King Krypton", uses its heat-vision to boil the water around a canoe piloted by some scary African natives. Why he does this is never made clear.

Page 7: While looking for King Krypton, Jimmy stumbles upon a tribe of savages who are the descendents of the ancient Romans and live in a Parthenon-esque arena ruin. No, really, he does.

Page 8: And they have spears made of kryptonite! Sure, why not.

Page 9: Jimmy Olsen: "Now the super-gorilla is uprooting a huge tree!" This over a panel of the super-gorilla uprooting a huge tree. Thanks, Jimmy, ya dumb dick.

Page 10: Caption: "No gladitorial contest in Roman times ever equalled the awesome spectacle put on by these two super-gladiators!" YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, CAPTION MAN!

Page 11: Superman: "The super-gorilla can storm the world and wreck civilization!"

Page 12: So it turns out that King Krypton was a lab assistant on Krypton, who used a "super-evolution machine", turned into an ape, fell into a rocket, and was transported to Earth. No, I'm not making this up. Anyway, as he and Supes fight, they unearth a huge kryptonite meteor, and he throws himself onto it so he, and not Superman, is killed. His dying words are "It is far better that I go than Superman! Farewell..."

All right, this is not only completely stupid and out of character, but it doesn't even make sense. HOW THE FUCK DOES HE KNOW WHO SUPERMAN IS? He's been a fucking gorilla for 30 years, and he came from a planet where Superman didn't even exist! Gaaaah. Why, oh why, would someone give up his life to save someone he never heard of before or since and who just five minutes ago was trying to kill? And more to the point, how did I ever learn to form coherent sentences growing up on trash like this?

THINGS ABOUT THIS BATMAN COMIC "THE GORILLA BOSS OF GOTHAM CITY"

Page 1: This has Bob Kane art, so I hate to bust on it too much, but the Gorilla Boss on the splash page looks like a Thalidomide chimp who grew up near the Love Canal. I think Bob might have been hitting the sauce pretty hard when he did this one.

Page 2: The villain in this story is a gang overlord called "Boss Dyke", so you get lots of good cheap gags like this: "For a guy who's about to walk the last mile, you sure are chipper, Dyke!"

Page 3: Really good Kane panel at the end. Maybe the splash was just a fluke. Trivia: Boss Dyke's first name is "George".

Page 4: A mad scientist puts the executed Boss Dyke's brain in a huge ape. Then the ape gets a giant pencil and tells the scientist to put his brain in Batman's body and put Batman's brain in the ape. This is supposed to accomplish something, I'm sure.

Page 5: Gorilla-Dyke knocks over a water tower.

Page 6: "Takin' orders from that giant ape -- it's weird!" (some goon)

Page 7: Gorilla-Dyke knocks over a bank, then knocks over Robin. When he escapes, he's carrying a big green sack with "$1000" written on it. Awesome!

Page 8: "While I was spinning, the gorilla had time to get away. Amazing that a best could figure out that tactic!" (Batman)

Page 9: For his next job, Gorilla-Dyke robs a jeweler. Or possibly a dentist. It's kind of hard to tell.

Page 10: More unintended lesbian humor. "I...I see you're ready, Dyke! This is the moment I've been dreading! But I have no choice but to obey!" (mad scientist)

Page 11: Bats is referred to as "the famed crime-crusher".

Page 12: "Look! The ape with Batman's brain has crashed!" Someone please say this at my funeral.

NOTE: The reprint comic this story is in is from 1976, even though the comic itself is from 1952. And there's an ad in it for superhero ski hats. For $3.39. I WANT ONE.

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