LUDIC LOG

"Ohhh."

"Yeah, that's nice. Let me just..."

"Hey!"

"Can you turn..."

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"I was just..."

"I know what you were doing."

"Well, if you know, what the hell did you ask me for?"

"Get off me."

"Jenny, this is ridiculous. What's the big deal?"

"What's the big deal with you? You know I don't want you doing that."

"Why not?!?"

"Because I don't. That's reason enough."

"I don't get it."

"You won't, either."

"Very fucking funny. Look, I know you like to do it. You want it at least five times a week. You even put it in the pre-nup."

"How do you know that?"

"It was in the Enquirer."

"I don't know why I let you get a subscription to that thing."

"So what I don't understand is, you like to do it. I mean, five times is a slow week for us. So why not that way?"

"It's...it's complicated."

"Obviously."

"I think I'm really accomodating to your needs. Why do you have to have that one little thing? Why is that so important?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"No, I'm serious."

"Well, it's that...well...I mean, you know, it's really popular."

"It's more popular than you are."

"I do have the #1 movie in the country, you know."

"Sure. That'll last. Who do you play again? Ant-Man?"

"How'd Enough do? Went to video pretty quick, as I recall."

"Well, I wasn't lucky enough to have a Arby's cup tie-in."

"Maybe your block isn't ritzy enough for an Arby's."

"Eat me."

"Not again. Not until you give me a shot at that."

"If I knew why you were so goddamn obsessed with it..."

"You're joking."

"I don't joke. Not since The Wedding Planner."

"Look, it's...I mean, it's like going to the Louvre and not getting to see the Mona Lisa."

"You get to see it all the time. You were looking at it five seconds ago."

"It's not the same thing."

"Yeah, you don't get to shove your dick up the Mona Lisa."

"Forget it. You know? Just forget about it. I'm sorry I even asked."

"You didn't ask! You never ask! That's the problem! You just head for it like you're loading a fucking torpedo. If you asked nicely, maybe I'd let you."

"Seriously?"

"Uh...no."

"Terrific."

"Baby, you know it's not you."

"It's not? What is it, then? Don't you at least owe me an explanation why? Don't I deserve that much?"

"It's...it's the insurance."

"What?"

"It's insured. ICM has a policy on it through Lloyd's. There's a lot of stuff I'm not allowed to do. No riding on motorcycles or horseback, no squat-thrusts. French fries or burritos at least once a day. Haven't you ever wondered why I have all these ergonomic chairs?"

"Huh."

"And, you know, no...no that. It's in the policy. They're just trying to protect their investment."

"I see."

"If it was up to me, Benny, you'd have been in there after the MTV Music Awards."

"Well...what about at the Gigli premiere? We don't have to tell anyone, do we? I mean, they don't check or anything."

"Um, actually..."