LUDIC LOG

DEAL MEMO

From: Dad

To: J.C.

Re: The Passion of the Christ

Son,

How's everything down in Aruba? How's your mother? Are the feet still bothering you? You should try those Epsom salts, they work wonders. I think you need to give up on the idea that they're eventually going to just sort themselves out. It's been over 2000 years, and they're not getting any better. Some news about Eisner, eh? I have to hand it to ol' Satan: when he makes a deal, he sticks with it.

All right, cut to the chase, I can hear you saying it. (Literally.) Fine: let's dispense with the pleasantries and get to brass tacks. I respect your wanting to slice throught the bullshit -- you got that from me, you know, whether you want to admit it or not. This isn't a slam against your mother. Anyway. First of all, and I don't want to come off as a prick or anything, but you do realize, I don't even have to explain this all to you. I am credited as co-producer on this picture, not you. That was the deal that Mel and I put together. If you wanted in on it, you should have been more aggressive at the pitch meetings.

And don't give me a bunch of crap about the Holy Trinity. I invented the Holy Trinity. I've been working that angle since you were just a glint in the Holy Ghost's disembodied eye, so don't think you can pull anything on me. Three in one means exactly that -- three in one. And I'm the one. I've got power of attorney over both of you, and don't you forget it. I don't have to answer any of your questions. You're getting points and a decent salary for this, and that's enough. Who died and made you script doctor? I know this is very personal for you, because it's "your" story (although I think you'll find if you check the credits that it's 'original story' by yours truly, based on an idea by you know who). But it's not personal, sonny. It's just business.

Now, to address your specific concerns:

1. Casting.

First of all, I don't know what your problem is with Jim Caviezel. He's a good actor. A couple of years ago, you said you liked him in that Angel Eyes movie, and now all of the sudden you think he's a 'pretty boy'? Look, kid. You're my son, in whom I am well pleased, but let's be honest. During your stint on Earth, you weren't exactly known for winning beauty contests. Yeah, sure, it's all about the message, right. You don't have to tell me that. I helped you write the message. But you know what? No one's going to listen to the message if it's coming from a guy who looks like Michael J. Fox after being dragged three miles by a horse. There, I said it. Now be a man and suck it up.

Second, Monica Bellucci. Okay, she's not your type. That's because you hate wops. And I understand that. If a bunch of Romans had nailed me to a post, I might carry a grudge myself. But grow up, kid. This is Mel we're talking about. The guy is a fucking prude. He's not gonna show you doing it with her, and even if he did, it could be worse. You could have drawn Barbara Hershey again.

Finally, I don't know how we ended up with two lead actors named 'Hristo' either, but Mel has final cut on casting. You have to know when to pick your battles. Which brings me to:

2. The Message.

Mel and I agreed (and thus, by extension, you agreed, and don't give me any shit about it) that we were going to focus on the final hours. You've been baiting me on this one since I brought you home, son, but this is not one you're gonna win. Walk away from it. I know being horribly tortured and painfully executed was hard on you. Creating the friggin' universe was tough on me, but you don't hear me bitching about it. We all have our crosses to bear, you should pardon the expression. But the point is: suffering sells. What do you think is going to bring people to salvation (and, just as importantly, put asses in seats)? All that commie horseshit you were peddling about giving everything to the poor? A bunch of dull-ass theology? Hell no! What people want to see is you getting ripped to shreds! That's how come I did it! It makes them feel guilty, because we've conned them into thinking it was all their fault you had to suffer, and to alleviate their guilt, they come to the faith! It's a great racket. Sure, we get all those souls at your expense, but who cares how we get them? At least they're not off worshipping Buddha or Vishnui or Ramtha or some bullshit.

3. Credits.

Sorry, son. I can't get Paul's name off the thing. His contract is ironclad.

Best to you and your mother. I'll see you on your birthday.

Love,

J-Hovah