There seems to have been a lot of discussion lately about what real men do and do not do. As a 100% real man made of meat, I feel that I have an undeniable credibility in this matter, and I therefore present the first of an occasional series delineating the acceptable actions of real men, and what things one might do that would lead to exclusion from the fraternity of real men.

1. Real men smell like one of six things: motor oil, sweat, hair tonic, gunpowder, a wet dog, or a variety of "body spray" that makes women have sex with you in elevators. Real men may not smell like anything else for more than ten minutes or they risk losing their realness; at no time may they ever smell like daffodils, furniture polish, cat litter, gazpacho, herb butter, or another man's penis.

2. Real men play hockey, football, basketball, car racing, or baseball (fielders only). Under no circumstances do they play jai-lai, curling, soccer, track & field, or savate. They are allowed to play lacrosse if they are occasionally accused of raping a stripper.

3. Real men do not come from France, even if they are Alain Delon. They are also, as a rule, not Chinese.

4. Real men must constantly worry about the state of their penis. They should experience no shame in purchasing growth pumps, freon sprays or medication designed to artificially generate and erection, even if they are not having sex with anyone, because the only thing more important than tending to your penis is sports. Money is #3, which is why, if you have angst about penis insufficiency, it is desirable to spend lots of it on penile improvements. Whether or not they work is beside the point; a $300-a-day Cialis habit shows that your priorities are properly calibrated. Immediately upon a real man's reaching the age at which his head begins to resemble his penis -- naked on top with a fringe of hair around the bottom and somehow smaller than it used to be -- he should purchase an expensive red convertible sports car and drive it around everywhere with the top down.

5. Many people believe that skill in the art of cooking is a mark of the non-real man, and that the only food preparation techniques with which a man should familiarize himself are cooking a chicken with the aid of a beer can, ordering food laced with sexual innuendo from a Chili's waitress, and criticizing the hamburger-grilling techniques of others. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, all of the great chefs are men, just as all of the great everything elses are men. Those who worry that a career in the culinary arts might sully their realitude by the acquisition of terms like "julienne" and the ability to create a radish rosette may rest assured that once you reach a certain level, the duties of a chef largely involve purely real-man activities like screaming at your incompetent underlings, making lots of money, and pointing out how you are better at your job than any woman.

6.  Some people will tell you that there is something non-real-mannish about spending a lot of money on home furnishings.  This is patently untrue.  It is only non-real-mannish to spend a lot of money on tasteful home furnishings.

7.  Many young urban real men fret unneccesarily over their inability to own property.  There is no reason to let a temporary sojurn in the realms of the lower tax brackets prevent one from expressing his realness.  Even without the ability to obsess over property values, strive for perfectly level grass height, and stand around saying chummy things to working-class repairmen, you can make it perfectly clear that you are real.  Constantly pore over the real estate listings as if you knew what they were saying; feign an interest in professional boxing; cultivate the friendship of ethnic minorities who work in warehouses.  Speak knowingly of "load-bearing members" and make a weekly pilgrimage to Home Depot.  (Now is a perfect time to make a "stud finder" joke.)  Develop an expensive cigar habit and gesture menacingly at things with them.  At this rate, no one will ever suspect you are still a renter.

8.  A common misundertanding among real men and those who would be real is the purpose of drinking alcohol.  All too often, a social faux pas regarding what to drink and why will cause embarrassment, intoxication and whispered comments of your love of Will & Grace.  When your goal is to get drunk, stick to domestic beer in cans or on tap; selecting the leading megabrews will not only save your discretionary income for more important purchases like NASCAR season tickets and rohypnol, but will also allow you to cement your faux-solidarity with the common man who might otherwise let the air out of your tires.  Also, it's important that you develop the beer gut that you will later need to justify the purchase of an expensive red convertible sports car.  However, whiskey is not a purchase for getting drunk.  Only poets and Englishmen get drunk on whiskey.  The purchase of whiskey is to show off how much money you have.  Select a single-malt from a town that you cannot pronounce; the vintage should be at least 24 years old and cost as much as a top-end cell phone.  Nurse it all night and then complain that it's not as good as the Balmorghrie.  If anyone asks you what the Balmorghrie is, run.

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"We take our bearings, daily, from others. To be sane is, to a great extent, to be sociable." (John Updike)