LUDIC LOG

NAME: Don Rumsfeld

DEPARTMENT: Defense

COMMENT: Now, we've asked about this situation, here, with the hand soap on a number of occasions. I don't think there's any need to rehash it at this time; we all know the score. There's a dispenser, and there's no soap. It's not a complex matter. But it's a matter that's going to need to be dealt with, in an immediate fashion, or rather I should say with some urgency, because we're dealing with hygenic issues that just cannot be ignored any more.

NAME: Christie Whitman

DEPARTMENT: EPA

COMMENT: I am locked out of my office. My key isn't working or something and I can't get in. I really need to get in there to catch up on some paperwork, so if maintenance could take care of this right away I would appreciate it.

NAME: C-Pow

DEPARTMENT: The State

COMMENT: Can a brother get a little Memphis Bleek on the jukebox up in here? I'm tired of all that cracker shit y'all play. I'm the one putting in the late hours here.

NAME: Karl Rove

DEPARTMENT: Executive

COMMENT: Hand air dryers will be installed in the bathrooms immediately. Also, Venezuela, France and the Philipines are to be added to the Axis of Evil.

NAME: Norm Mineta

DEPARTMENT: Transportation

COMMENT: Is Dick ever going to use his office? Because the heat is sort of iffy in mine, plus it hasn't been painted for like nine years. I mean, I wouldn't even ask, but it's right near my office so it wouldn't be a big hassle for me to move my stuff, plus, Dick hasn't been here in at least 8 months.

NAME: Christie T. Whitman

DEPARTMENT: EPA

COMMENT: I asked if someone can get me into my office about a week ago -- the lock has jammed, or been changed, or something. I really need to get in there. You can page me if you need to. The number on the cell phone I was given when I started isn't working for some reason, but my pager still works.

NAME: Condoleezza Rice

DEPARTMENT: NSA

COMMENT: There will be serious consequences if Mr. Powell does not stop calling me a 'redbone'. Also, please inform the new receptionist that my first name does not rhyme with 'pizza'.

NAME: Tony Principi

DEPARTMENT: Vet

COMMENT: Can someone get me a new memo about the war thing? I was doing some cleaning, and I think the girl threw out my copy, and I don't know how to work this crazy e-mail or whatever. The thing is, I'm going down to Bermuda for a long vacation, and I don't want it to look bad, so if it's going to go down before the end of March, could we reschedule? There's a penalty if I cancel my cabana reservations.

NAME: John A-S-H-C-R-O-F-T

DEPARTMENT: Justice

COMMENT: Please note the spelling of my name. Note especially that there is only one 's', and that it does not contain the words 'crack' or 'hole'. I realize that the bike messengers are into their countercultural notions or what have you, but their t-shirts reflect poorly on this entire administration.

NAME: Christine Todd Whitman

DEPARTMENT: EPA

COMMENT: So, am I fired? If I'm fired, just come out and say it. I have to get in there, you guys. I left my purse in there. It's been four weeks. Seriously, it's not funny anymore.