LUDIC LOG

I was sitting around in my study last week, preparing Sunday's sermon, when I began thinking of those habits which are commonly known as "vices". Standing in bold opposition to the Christly values we commonly term "virtues", these devilish habits are like an Almond Roca laced with Drano: tempting and delectable on the outside, but deadly poison on the inside. Let's review these fatal fiends, and see why they tempt so many people into their sinister embrace.

1. DRINKING (a.k.a. ALCOHOLISM)

What is it?: "Drinking" doesn't mean water, or tea, or your granny's good old-fashioned front porch lemonade... no! It refers to the demon rum, and other concoctions made from alcohol. These include wine, beer, whiskey, Zima, moonshine, Frangelico, tequila, slivovic, vodka, brandy, fermented Kool-Aid, and flavored turpentine.

How do I know if I'm drinking?: If you have to be 21 to buy it, it's either pornography or alcohol. Both come in a brown paper bag, but alcohol smells worse, comes in a bottle and does not normally require Kleenex to use.

What's so bad about drinking?: Drinking alcohol leads to increased confidence in social situations, which might cause fornication; it also helps take your mind off of your problems, which decreases one's dependence upon Jesus. Other symptoms of alcoholism are cirrhosis of the liver, headaches, hollering and vomiting, and the realization that one's family or significant others are stifling, awful human beings. Alcohol is very expensive.

So why would anyone drink?: Apparently, some people are fond of having a sense of well-being, artificial or not.

What should I do if I find myself drinking, and how can I keep my friends from drinking?: If you suspect you might have a drinking problem, attend a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Remind yourself that if you don't quit now, you will eventually have to spend several nights a week for the rest of your night hanging around these self-absorbed drunks. If your friends are drinking, simply remind them at every possible opportunity that you disapprove of alcohol, and soon enough you will not be invited to participate when they are drinking.

2. SMOKING (TOBACCO)

What is it?: "Smoking" refers to the act of drying the common tobacco leaf, rolling in a thin sheaf of paper, setting it on fire, placing the burning mass in your mouth, and inhaling the smoke. Oddly enough, this activity is amazingly popular, although it sounds like something you might do during an ether frolic or witch-burning.

How do I know if I'm smoking?: You have to be 18 to buy cigarettes, even though they appear frequently in cartoons and high schools. If you have a flaming piece of paper in your mouth, odds are you're smoking.

What's so bad about smoking?: Smoking makes you look cool, which leads to vanity, which is probably one of the seven deadly sins. People who are cool think they don't need Jesus. Also, there is a very high rate of fatality among smokers. Nearly one of of three smokers die. Well, actually, three out of three smokers die, I suppose.

So why would anyone smoke?: It gives you something to do with your hands other than masturbate.

What should I do if I find myself smoking, and how can I keep my friends from smoking?: Some people say that the best way to stop someone from smoking is to buy them a carton of cigarettes and make them smoke every last one. Sure, why not? And how about getting them off fornication by buying them a dozen gorgeous, high-priced prostitutes and making each one of them fuck him silly? The best way to stay away from cigarettes is to live in an oxygen tent. If one of your friends is smoking, grab the cigarette away and stick it in their eye.

3. DRUGS (ILLEGAL)

What is it?: If it makes you feel really, really good, but you're not allowed to have any of it, it's probably an illegal drug. Common drugs are the crack, mary jane, Bolivian marching powder, chasing the dragon, super cool, X, Old Maggie Riely, smoking banana peels, frog-hog, bullet-licking, and Chicken McQuaaludes.

How do I know if I'm taking drugs?: Drugs are not available at any retail or wholesale stores at all. If a shifty doctor, a hippie, or a Negro gave it to you, and you put it in your body in a strange way, it's a drug.

What's so bad about drugs?: Most of the evils of drugs stem from the fact that they are illegal. If something is illegal, God doesn't want you to do it, or he wouldn't have let people pass a law against it. Therefore, drugs lead to being beaten by guards, locked in a cold dark box, and sodomized non-stop by burly murderers. Also, the wardrobe demands of most illegal drugs will lead to you looking silly. Like cigarettes and booze, it's expensive.

So why would anyone do drugs?: I can't think of any reason except to make the hippies like you.

What should I do if I find myself taking drugs, and how can I keep my friends from taking drugs?: If you are wealthy and famous and find yourself taking drugs, simply book yourself onto one of the major talk shows and confess your drug abuse. You'll be whisked away to a luxurious suite at a treatment facility and your public stock will skyrocket. If you're not so wealthy and famous maybe confession isn't such a good idea. Just stop doing it instead. If your friends are doing drugs, try and find some new friends, who aren't so hip and relaxed.