(Control room, WTNH-Channel 8.)
PRODUCER: So, you checked that there's not a church or a hospital or anything around there, right?

P.A.: Uh, sure.

(Stamford, CT.)
SPEEDBALL: I mean, I didn’t even think low-wattage local stations even produced their own reality shows, but here I am! And we've got the fourth-highest ratings in the regional market, after Dial H for Hartford, Bridgeport Knights and Today in Literature with the Steel Serpent.

(Control room, WTNH-Channel 8.)
PRODUCER: Because one of those guys can blow up. We wouldn't want him doing that around, I dunno, a grade school.

P.A.: That's probably not going to happen.

(Stamford, CT.)
MICROBE: I'm not sure about this, man. What if we're spotted?

SPEEDBALL: How are they going to spot us?

MICROBE: Well, there's a van parked right out on the street with our logo on it.

SPEEDBALL: Forget it, man. This is gonna be a cakewalk. Namorita, you've got Nitro.

NAMORITA: What if he blows up?

SPEEDBALL: That's probably not going to happen.

COLDHEART: Everybody in costume! It's a raid!

COBALT MAN: If it's a raid, why should we waste time putting on our cos…

MARK MILLAR: Fight scene! Fight scene!

COLDHEART: How did you guys find us so quickly after we broke out of Ryker's?

NIGHT THRASHER: Well, you all moved into the same house together.

NAMORITA: All right, Nitro! Give up! And don't try using your explosion power, because, uh, well, if you do, I'll punch you!

NITRO: You know what? I'm gonna do it anyway. It's unexpected, I know, but I feel like using my only superpower might just be the right move in this super-powered fight.

NAMORITA: Cut! Cut! Go to commercial!

NITRO: (Explodes.)

HUNDREDS OF ADORABLE MOPPETS: (Die.)

(Stamford, some time later.)
F.E.M.A. WORKER #1: Thank God you superheroes are here to help. Once we found out upper-middle-class white people were in trouble, we sent for you right away.

F.E.M.A. WORKER #2: Yeah, we really appreciate your help. Why, without Falcon, we'd have to carry three first aid kits across a hundred-yard area, on foot.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: No problem, chief. I've arranged for everyone to pose in such a way as to provide maximum foreshadowing, and of course, if I can help any of the victims of this terrible tragedy by punching someone or throwing a shield at something, just let me know.

SHE-HULK: I don't really see what the big deal is. I mean, yeah, this is terrible, but we live in the Marvel Universe. Shit like this happens all the time. I mean, just between the Skrulls, the Celestials and the Hulk, there's probably not a week goes by that a thousand people don't get killed.

MS. MARVEL: But this time it was on the tee vee!

BLACK GOLIATH: You know what would be nice, is if they gave this line about being chased by a mob with torches and pitchforks to someone other than a black guy.

(Stamford Non-Denominational Church.)
SOME KID'S MOM: You suck, Tony Stark! My kid died because of assholes like you!

TONY STARK: I am now realizing for the first time that bad things might happen as the result of the actions of people like me.

J. JONAH JAMESON: Are you getting all this, Parker?

PETER PARKER: Yeah, I'm getting it. But why would the editor-in-chief of the biggest newspaper in New York City come all the way here to personally supervise the actions of a freelance photog…

MARK MILLAR: Fight scene! Fight scene, for crissakes!

(New York.) COKE WHORE: You're late, Johnny Storm!

HUMAN TORCH: I had to rescue a bunch of cute kids from a burning orphanage on the way over here.

COKE WHORE: Really?

HUMAN TORCH: Well, swap 'orphans' for 'babes' and 'burning building' for 'signing autographs' and it's completely true, sweetie.

COKE WHORE: You didn't say 'orphans'. Or 'burning building'.

HUMAN TORCH: You get the idea, though.

COKE WHORE: So…you had to rescue a bunch of babes from signing autographs?

MARK MILLAR: I said, go to a fight scene!

MOB OF HIPSTERS: Aw, man! The Clap Your Hands Say Yeah concert was cancelled! Let's beat someone up!

HUMAN TORCH:  Yut oh.

MOB OF HIPSTERS:  (Bottles Johnny Storm and then stomps him into a coma.)

COKE WHORE: Oh no! My cab fare!

DR. DOOM: Great. I've been trying to kill that kid for 45 years and all I had to do was send him to the Source Awards.

(The Baxter Building.)
MR. FANTASTIC: I've called you all here to discuss the superhero registration act, which has cleared both houses of Congress faster than any legislation in the history of America.

WASP: Pension plans and annual vacation time? It's ridiculous.

POWER MAN: You know, Jan, for those of us who have actually had to work for a living at some point in our lives, pension plans and paid vacations sound like a pretty good deal.

PATRIOT: Does anyone think it would be a good idea for us to go on strike, even though we don't actually work for anyone and so it's not clear who we'd be striking against or what we'd be trying to gain by doing so?

MR. FANTASTIC: Uh…no.

IRON MAN: Well, as a former drunk, I see everything through the lens of 12-step programs, and I think this is a 'moment of clarity'. We should all be accountable to the government, because there's just no way that could ever go wrong.

FALCON: No way! I think my idea of letting the most dangerous, powerful people on the planet remain completely unregulated is much more reasonable than your idea of putting their infinite destructive capabilities in the hands of ideologically motivated political timeservers.

WOLVERINE: Well, I think we should get really hot-headed and start despising each other for no reason, despite any prior history we may have had together.

THING: I agree.

BLACK CAT: Although there is no apparent reason for me to be at a gathering of some of the most prominent superhumans in the world, I also agree.

HERCULES: Although I am not an American and not subject to American laws – indeed, although I am a god and not subject to human laws of any kind – I concur.

SPIDER-MAN: I'm worried that if I have to give up my secret identity, super-villains might start targeting my loved ones.

INVISIBLE WOMAN: But hasn't that already happened to you like three hundred ti…

MARK MILLAR: Okay, everybody, let's cut to a fight scene.

(S.H.I.E.L.D Helicarrier.)
COMMANDER HILL: Thanks for coming, Captain America. Even though it would have been easy for us to sit down and calmly present our proposal, we've decided to present it to you as an ultimatum in order to provoke a violent confrontation that could have been easily avoided with five minutes of forethought.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Gosh. Why?

COMMANDER HILL: As an unlikable bull-dyke, it is my job to be as unpleasant and loathsome as possible, so that the reader has someone to root against.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Understood. Well, anyway, you can take this plan and blow it out your ass, because there's no way I'm going to obey the dictates of political leaders in Washington who pass laws in order to carry out their own agendas.

COMMANDER HILL: Uh…weren't you a soldier? Seems like your whole existence is predicated on obeying the orders of y…

MARK MILLAR: Okay, start fighting now! This is going to be a good one, because I'm gonna have Cap surf on a fighter jet. That whole wide-screen bit, you know, the fans love it. I invented that!

GRANT MORRISON: Uh…

WARREN ELLIS: You did what now?

MARK MILLAR: Security!

(Washington, D.C.)
THE PRESIDENT: We have to do something about this, people. There are like a hundred protesters outside, and one of them has a headband with Mercedes-Benz symbols on it. I think we have to do what they want. I don't want to jeopardize my reputation for always paying attention to protestors.

IRON MAN: You go ahead with the legislation, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Uh, thanks, Iron Man. I appreciate your permission to enact laws.

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Man, can you believe that Cap? He totally landed the jet on a football field. Ain't that just like Captain America? Making sure a two-billion-dollar warplane don't get damaged no matter how much trouble he's in?

SECRETARY OF STATE: Well, he did assault dozens of federal employees. And he did lots of damage to the helicarrier. Plus, by gathering his own private army of lawbreakers, he's forcing a government response that will cost billions more than one single warplane, and diverting resources that would otherwise be used to fight ter…

MARK MILLAR: Fight sc…oh, wait, it's the end of the issue.

- END PART 1 -

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"I do not want the peace that passeth understanding. I want the understanding which bringeth peace." (Helen Keller)