LUDIC LOG

9:32 PM, Reed Street & Black Road, Officers Lustig & Mayhew: Vehicular Homicide.

"Man, that thing is dead."

"Someone was holding a grudge. This was cold and calculating. You see how they took off that hood ornament? That's, like, a collector."

"Some guys like to keep a piece of it, you know? Like a souvenir."

"A trophy."

"A souvenir."

"Well, it's the same thing."

"No it's not."

"Anyway, we're gonna have to get the auto squad over on this one. Our job is really just to secure the scene and make sure no one messes with the evidence until the lab boys can get a look at it."

"Christ, look at all that motor oil. It's horrible."

"Can you say Christ on TV?"

"Sure. Like those TV preachers, they say it all the time."

"It's not the same. They say it like Jesus Christ."

"I could have said that. Like, look at how he used a glass cutter on the passenger-side windows! Jesus Christ!"

"Right, but you're using it as an exclamation. A preacher is like they're calling his name."

"Same difference. It's either okay to say it or it's not."

"No it's not. It's okay to say it if it's a name, but if you say it like swearing, it's wrong."

"So you're telling me that if some perp's name was Motherfucking Cocksucker, it's okay to say it on television."

"Quit busting my balls, Alvin. Anyway, what did you mean he?"

"What? He who?"

"You said, look at how he used a glass cutter on the window. You don't know it was a he. Could have been a chick. I mean, a woman. A female perpetrator."

"I'm just going with the odds. 90% of homicides are committed by people known to the victim."

"Does that include cars, too?"

"Sure. Cars are usually killed by the owner. You know that."

"But who says the owner was a man? More women own cars than men."

"Where'd you get that from?"

"Statistical Abstract of the United States."

"What, you were just reading that on your lunch hour?"

"Nah, I'm shitting you."

"Did you call the auto squad or not?"

"Yes! For God's sake. You sound like an old lady."

"There you go again."

"What? It's okay to say 'God' on TV."

"Not if your god is named Tit-fart the Mighty."

"Do you want to be on this show or not?"

"Hey, I'm not gonna be famous or anything. That's not my style."

"You have a style? How did I miss that?"

"I figure that if I never get famous, I save all the money I'd have to give up to my agents and handlers and whatnot."

"You'd have to pay me a lot to handle you, that's for sure. Hey, you see that?"

"What?"

"The tailpipe. Is that a banana in there?"

"You know I think it is."

"So what does that tell you?"

"Gorillas did it?"

"You're useless."

"What? What, is that stupid? Tell me why that's stupid."

"If gorillas had done it, they would have eaten the banana, wouldn't they?"

"Oh. Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Think. That's all I ask."