CALL LOG: LOU REED

LP: Ludic Syndicate World Headquarters, how may I direct your call?

LR: "Operator".

LP: This is the operator.

LR: (presses "0" on keypad)

LP: Sir, this is the operator.

LR: Goddamn it...how do you get a live person on these fucking things?

LP: Hello? Sir? I am a live person.

LR: Finally. I need Leonard Pierce.

LP: This is he.

LR: That was fast.

LP: Well, to be honest with you, it's only me here. I lost most of my staff during the breakup. I think they're all working for the drug dealers who used to live across the street from us now.

LR: Drag.

LP: Is this Herman Munster?

LR: No, it's Lou.

LP: Lou Dobbs?

LR: No, it's me, Lou.

LP: Lou Barlow?

LR: Close. Lou Reed. By the way, have you noticed how fat Lou Barlow has gotten lately?

LP: Man, no shit. I think he spent the time between Sebadoh III and now doing nothing but eat Ding Dongs. Anyway, what can I do for you, Lou?

LR: Well, as you know, man, the voting for the next round of inductees to the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame is coming up, and I was wondering if you could help me out.

LP: Geez, Lou, I dunno.

LR: Come on, man. I know we've had our differences, and my work as well as my life of late has been a bit of a disappointment to you, but I was responsible for the Velvets. Probably the most important band, in terms of the music that you like, of all time.

LP: Lou, I...

LR: And my solo work -- I'm the first to admit I'm not setting the world on fire anymore, but I was pretty untouchable right up through New York. You always talk about how Bowie owned the '70s, and there's no Bowie without Lou.

LP: It's just...

LR: If nothing else, I recorded Metal Machine Music, thus providing critics an eternally enduring shorthand for "unlistenable noise".

LP: That's true, but...

LR: I deserve to be in the Hall of Fame, man. And you know it.

LP: I agree.

LR: So what's the problem, man? Is it Laurie Anderson? She wanted it, I swear. She's a cheetah.

LP: No, it's just that the ballots for 2007 have already gone out.

LR: Really? Did you vote for me?

LP: That's the other thing. I'm not on the voting committee.

LR: What? You were a total big shot back at Rolling Stone. You wrote that stroke book about Springsteen!

LP: Uh, that wasn't me. You're thinking of Dave Marsh. I'm a complete nobody who writes for indie papers and free weeklies. I barely even rate an invite to do the Voice poll.

LR: Shit. Do you have Dave Marsh's number, then?

LP: Well, it's Wednesday, which is the day he washes Bruce's car. I think I can track him down. But the other other thing is, Lou...

LR: Is it money? Look, I'd be happy to bribe you, man, if you don't mind 35-year-old meth tablets instead of money.

LP: No, Lou. It's that, well, you're already in the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.

LR: Really?

LP: Twice.

LR: Twice?

LP: Yep.

LR: Man, I am so wasted. I'm gonna take a nap.

LP: Good talking to you, Lou.

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