LUDIC LOG

Week 1

5:23 PM. Really nervous. We air in an hour and a half. Can't believe I made the cut. Micki says 'you're supposed to know everything, how come you didn't know that?'. Tried to explain to her, omnipotence doesn't work that way. Mentioned ineffability, free will. She wouldn't listen and said I was boring. I love my sister but she totally acts like a 14-year-old sometimes. I'm up right after this guy named Horus. He flies and has a cool sword. I don't have anything like that. I can't fly. I wish they'd at least put me on first so I could get the humiliation over with sooner. No, no, can't think like that. Power of positive thinking. You are what you become. Wish me luck!

9:03 PM. Can't believe it! I made the cut! I'm coming back for the second show! Did the water-into-wine trick, which Mom liked but Dad thought was really lame, and they were floored by it! Well, I mean, it wasn't the best trick -- there was a guy named Cthulhu who turned a priest into a skeleton using only his facial tentacles, and they really liked him -- but they did drink all the wine, which is a good sign. They're going to put us up in a fancy hotel and everything, not some shabby temple like when I tried out for "Who Wants to Be a Minor Pagan Diety?". Things are looking up!

Week 2

4:14 PM. Wanted to come in early to work on my act for tonight but the janitor told me that they don't unlock the doors until 5PM. I thought about just passing through the walls but I think you might get disqualified or something for that. I'm pretty confindent about tonight. I think I can make it to round 3. They have me going on after a Mesopotamian wind god, and I'll be honest, he's not that great. All he does is moan and blow some papers around. Micki called me to tell me that she's dating a guy on the baseball team. Told her I already knew that. She hung up on me, but called back to say good luck. I said to flee fornication. She hung up on me again.

9:29 PM. As I suspected, the wind god sucked. Or I guess I should say blew, ha ha. I couldn't help but shine next to him even with the walking on water trick, which to be honest is my 'B' material. Some of the fire gods invited me to an after-show party, but I need to get back to the Best Western and practice for next week. It's really going to start getting tight. Besides, I saw a vision of them getting really polluted and being sealed in an earthen jar down at the Orlando police station. No thank you!

Week 3

5:27 PM. Oh, shit. Pardon my language but I am so screwed. I don't have anything. I totally blew it. I used up all my best stuff in the first two weeks and I've got nothing left for tonight. It's over. I'm so, so screwed. Right before me they're doing a Snohomish trickster god who's going to turn into a wolf, the moon and light on the water. What am I supposed to do against that? The loaves-and-fishes trick? That sucks even when people are hungry. Casting out demons? The only demons around here are people I'm competing against and if I cast them out, I get disqualified. It would have been better if I'd gone out in the first round, then I wouldn't be humiliated like this. Micki says I'm overthinking but that's easy for her to say because she's not going out in front of a national TV audience with no material and a huge zit on her cheek.

11:03 PM. Can't believe it! I made it to the next round! The trister did to but like totally spur of the moment I noticed there was a bunch 0f retards from some retard farm up northe in the audience so I did the making the lame to wak trick and healed them all up. And believe me it was inpressive because man where these guyts ever lame! It so bliuew everyone away and I was so exfited that I went out and ghot drunk with some of theNorsemen. They really now how! to party!

Week 4

6:03 PM. This is going to be a walk. I hardly even practiced after I found out I was up against Kuan Yin. Goddess of immortality, big deal. All she ever does is charms, and juggling those lame peaches she has. Semi-finals here I come!

9:49 PM. Simon Zealotes is such an asshole. I know he's the harshest judge, and I admit that the burning bush trick isn't one of my best, but he was a complete dick. And in front of all my friends! The pope showed up, and Mom, and even Juan Bautista. He said that my trick was "pure isle", whatever that means, and that I had "gotten lucky" so far (which is totally not true because I earned it and you can ask anyone) but that I had better quit "coasting" or I wasn't going to make it to the finals. Aand I promised myself I wasn't going to do it but on stage I couldn't help it and I started to cry, and he says, all bitchy, "Jesus wept". He's gonna go against me next week, I know it, and it'll all be over. He's only one vote of three, but he votes first and at least one of the other judges always falls into line with him. The worst thing is I don't even have a routine picked out. I'm doomed.

Week 5

5:17 PM: I have a great idea. Well, it's not a great idea. Actually, it's the only idea I have. But it's so crazy, it just might work. I told Micki about it -- she flew in to be here tonight, and that means so much to me -- and she said she was pretty sure that it was against the rules. And I said, well, check, because you can't be sure unless you check, and she's so much better than me at reading and stuff like that. So I asked her to look over the rules and see if my idea was illegal. She did and she said, well, no, it's not technically illegal, and that was all I needed to hear. She made a big stink but I just said, you're my sister. Do you want me to win or not? She said I guess so. I'm going to try it. I've got to pull it off; I'm up against Shiva tonight, and she doesn't mess around.

9:39 PM: If I'd have known it would be this easy, I would have done it a long time ago. My trick? Calling forth lightning. The score? 2-0 in my favor. Finals, here I come!