LUDIC LOG

My Oscar picks are universally regarded as the most reliable in the known universe. And here's this years, for those of you whose breath is bated.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE:

The nominees are the gay fetish cartoon Brother Bear, the expensive Pixar sushi biopic Finding Nemo, and the girl-on-girl masterpiece The Triplets of Belleville. While the latter film should win, it will suffer because of anti-French backlash and the prize will go to Finding Nemo, the year's best, by which I mean most profitable, film.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

The nominees are liberal heartthrob Alec Baldwin as a bottle of Beck's in The Cooler, mumbling hulk Benicio del Toro as a cocaine smuggler in 21 Grams, African hoodoo-man Djimon Hounsou for his role in In America (based on the Charlie Daniels song of the same name), Tim Robbins as a pizza delivery man in the comic romp Mystic Pizza, and Ken "Brother of Gedde" Watanabe as a kung fu master in The Last Samurai. The winner will be Alec Baldwin, because the other nominees are, respectively, a spic, a spook, a commie and a dirty Jap.

BEST ACTOR:

The nominees are pretty-boy Johnny Depp as a flaming homosexual caricature in Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, tiny aging wog Ben Kingsley as Fog in House of Sand & Fog, pretty-boy Jude Law as a toothless hillbilly in Cold Mountain, hulking aging schlub Bill Murray as a non-Japanese man in Lost in Translation, and pretty-boy Sean Penn as Spicoli in Mystic Pizza. It's tempting to vote for Murray's turn as a man who has so much willpower that he doesn't touch Charlotte Johannsen's butt, but this is the Year of the Queer, which means that Johnny Depp goes home with the trophy.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

The nominees are the obviously made-up Shohreh Aghdashloo as some crazy-talking foreigner in House of Sand & Fog, the anonymous Patricia Clarkson as someone you can't remember in Pieces of April, Marcia Gay Harden as a girl who gets turned on by the smell of gym socks in Mystic Pizza, Holly Hunter as Twelve in Thirteen, and Renee Zellweger as the fat girl in Cold Mountain. The winner in a cakewalk will be Marcia Gay Harden, because (a) this is the Year of the Queer and (b) her last name sounds like "gay hard-on".

BEST ACTRESS:

The nominees are Keisha Castle-Hughes as a little girl who kills people in Whale Rider, Diane Keaton as an old woman who is forced to endure Jack Nicholson's sexual advances in Something's Gotta Give, Samantha Morton as a confused woman who thought the south was never gonna rise agin in In America, Charlize Theron as an ugly dyke who kills people in Monster, and Naomi Watts as a sack full of Colombian marching powder in 21 Grams. Keisha Castle-Hughes looks like an early favorite, but her votes will be split by those who think she wasn't that great on The Cosby Show, so the Year of the Queer rolls on as Charlize Theron's makeup wins the Oscar.

BEST DIRECTOR:

The nominees are abysmally untalented actress Sofia Coppola for funny-talking-Japanese masterpiece Lost in Translation, gun-wielding former mayor Clint Eastwood for teen comedy romp Mystic Pizza, marijuana dwarf Peter Jackson for his geek-porn epic Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, token minority Fernando Meirelles for his documentary about Oklahoma City, City of God, and Australian hack Peter Weir for his rum-sodomy-and-the-lash crowdpleaser Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. The winner: no one wants to see a hairy dope-troll up there on stage, but the unstoppable Year of the Queer momentum still rolls inexorably forward as the underage-seaman epic of Peter Weir takes the prize.

BEST PICTURE:

The nominees are homosexual-midget love story Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, overprivileged-foreigner love story Lost in Translation, gay-British-sailor love story Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, New England dope-smoker love story Mystic Pizza, and man-on-horse-bestiality love story Seabiscuit. The Year of the Queer has so many options! And yet, in the end, who can resist a bunch of hairy-footed dwarves hopping around on a bed in slow motion? The award goes to LotR:RotK.