LUDIC LOG

The annual Forbes list of the richest people on Earth was released today. Once again, your humble correspondent, due to mathematical bigotry and the small-mindedness of others, failed to make the list, as he has failed to make the Sexiest Men Alive list, the Thousand Points of Light list, and the list of people to be herded onto a spaceship in the event of global catastrophe. But after my yearly three-hour drunken tirade against the prejudiced bastards at Forbes, a thought occurred: we're only getting half the picture. Just as there can be no light without darkness and no Oscars without Razzies, there can be no richest people on Earth without the kindly cooperation of the poorest people on Earth. With that in mind, I hopped into the Ludic Log World Command Bunker's private Learjet and sought out the people at the bottom who make the people at the top possible.

Ladies and gentlemen of high finance, I present to you: The Ludic Log's Poorest People in the World for 2004.

MITENGE ARUTIBO
Location: Idanga village, Republic of the Congo
Age: 16
Net worth: $0.00

Hard-living Mitenge joined the elite last year when a brawl over some U.N. Famine Relief Program-supplied soy flour resulted in the loss of a misprinted 1992 NBA Championships t-shirt, his only item of value. Another roadblock to his non-utter poverty, his ability to move from place to place, was removed this January when he stepped on a landmine due to his HIV-induced delerium. The stuporous stumble not only cost him the use of his legs, but catapulted him from abjectly poor to the fabled ranks of the absolutely hopeless. Mitenge was thrilled to hear of his acheivement, managing to raise his right thumb in what was either a gesture of approval or a desperate plea for medical attention. Either way, he's moving on up!

ARMINDA KODINSWAND
Location: unnamed settlement in the far north of Bangla Desh
Age: 8
Net worth: $0.00

Sweet and unassuming Arminda comes from what financial industry insiders term "old poverty" -- she inherited a vast amount of despair and want from her parents, who themselves inherited it from generations past of one of the poorest families in this dazzling poor nation. But the young rising star of south Asian desperation wasn't content to rest on her laurels: she took the poverty inherited from her forebears and grew it to a level of nothingness that could scarcely have been guessed at even by her legendarily poor grandparents. Blinded by a childhood ailment and nearly crippled due to insect bites and poor nutrition, the charming Bangladeshi responded to news of her making the grade by saying "I am so hungry. The water is filthy here and it hurts to swallow." With that attitude, she'll be hobnobbing with the rest of the non-elite for years to come, if she lives that long! Which is unlikely!

JUAN TAVAREZ
Location: Guadalajara, Mexico
Age: 47
Net worth: $0.10

Facing a barrage of competition for the title of North America's poorest person, the canny Tavarez won the title through a combination of injury, mental illness, bad luck and the profound indifference of his fellow man. A lung injury suffered nearly two decades ago contributed to the lapse in attention that cost him his right hand -- and his job -- at a maquiladora manufacturing $127 sneakers for American joggers. Unable to work and with no social safety net whatsoever, Tavarez's already questionable mindstate degenerated into complete madness. This colorful character's sole posession is the filthy straw mat which he alternately sleeps on, sleeps under, and chews the corner of in an attempt to fool his body into thinking he's eating! Informed that last week, American sports fans rented a hotel suite for, gave a hot oil massage to, and fed a steak and lobster dinner to a baseball, the always-outrageous Tavarez let out a weakened bellow and rolled over into a spider web.

GOLUNGE BATUMBO
Location: Idanga village, Republic of the Congo
Age: 22
Net worth: $0.17

The second nega-billionaire to come from this hotbed of on-the-grow poverty and starvation, Golunge -- the Rupert Murdoch to big winner Mitenge Arutibo's Ted Turner -- took a bit of a hit in the last financial year when he aquired a button that had fallen off the uniform of a visiting mercenary after the raider raped and murdered his wife and child. He plans on gaining on his young rival next quarter, however, when he will attempt to cross the polluted local stream, fall in, lose the button, and nearly drown but succeed only in giving himself long-term brain damage from oxygen privation. The mathematically inclined Batumbo notes that Bill Gates could spend $100,000 every single day for the next twelve hundred years and still not run out of money. Ha, ha! Oh, Golunge. If only you could put that knowledge to some practical use...you wouldn't be on this list!

Congratulations, losers! Your lack of ability to thrive in a consumer capitalist economy makes the world's billionaires possible. Stand up and take a bow! If you can stand up.