LUDIC LOG

So, we're talking at work today about the impending rerelease of "E.T. the Extraterrestrial", and I mentioned that some of the "coarse language" has been cleaned up to reach an even wider audience (and thus net even more money for the studio). One of the guys in the mailroom says it doesn't make any difference what a movie is rated, because kids get in to see it no matter what.

"How's that, Dusty?" I ask.

"They get an adult to get them in. I bet you've snuck a kid into an R-rated movie before."

"I would never do that."

"Oh."

"There's no money in it."

"Huh?"

"The margins are much better on selling them cigarettes."

"What?"

"You know. Kids on playgrounds, in church parking lots, that kind of thing. I sell them cigarettes."

"Why?"

"They aren't old enough to buy them themselves."

"You do not sell cigarettes to schoolkids."

"No, you're right. Some of them I save to sell at AA meetings. Talk about markup!"

"Man, that is just wrong."

"Hey, it's not like I'm selling them to teenagers."

"No?"

"Hell, no. Teenagers can get their own smokes. I sell them alcohol."

"I bet if you had a kid you wouldn't let him buy alcohol."

"Are you kidding? No way! That's my child!"

"See?"

"I'd just give him booze. Besides, I do have a kid."

"You do? What's his name?"

"Uh...Jimmy, I think? Or Timmy. Let's go with Jimmy."

"How old is he?"

"He's 14, I think."

"You don't know?"

"Well, I assume he's under 21, or he'd be able to get his own booze."

"I think it's disgraceful that you don't know how old your son is."

"Frankly, I'm not even sure he's my son. He doesn't look anything like me. He's Chinese."

"Where's his mother?"

"Beats me. He just showed up at my place a few weeks ago claiming he was my kid and asked me if I'd get him some Leininkugel's if he gave me five bucks. Frankly, I think he might just be one of the neighborhood kids running a scam. I was gonna get a blood test, but he said he's got the kind of blood that doesn't test."

"Well, if you don't think he's your kid, what do you let him live with you for?"

"Are you kidding? Do you know what it's like being a single dad?"

"What?"

"Chick magnet, man. Fucking total chick magnet."

It's a crime how easy it is to get a little peace and quiet on the job.