LUDIC LOG

Sure, it's easy to make sport of crappy comics (fun, too). But isn't that kicking a guy when he's down? The poor overworked bastards at the fun factory had to produce 40 or so of these things a month. There were going to be stinkers. When it came to the real quality products -- the flagship lines, the high-quality glossy stuff, the prestige projects -- they did it all right. Right?

Eighteen years ago (!), Marvel Comics put out The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe -- a definitive guide to everyone and everything in the world's greatest comics. All in all, it was a lot of fun -- informative, detailed, and with plenty of great art. It was the kind of thing that comic book tools like me dreamed of doing ourselves. It was a geek's wish come true. And, despite the ridiculously pedantic, quasi-academic tone that set it apart (and not in a good way) from DC's version of the same idea, it was actually pretty good.

But that didn't stop plenty of retarded stuff from slipping in. Dive in with me, won't you?

ABOMINATION. Like his arch-foe the Hulk, the Abomination got his name from the grossed-out reaction of the first person to see him after his transformation. In addition to reminding one of the old gag about the Indian named Two-Dogs-Fucking, it makes you wonder why there weren't more supervillains named 'Holy Shit' or 'The Disgusting Freak'. MODOK Bonus: "He was brought to the attention of General Ross, and revived by former AIM leader Modok, with whom Ross had formed a treasonous alliance."

ABSORBING MAN. The Absorbing Man was once an agent of "They Who Wield Power, a cabal of power-seekers from El Dorado". Shouldn't that be 'They Who WANT to Wield Power'? Or 'They Who SEEK Power and Don't Have Any Yet, the Bunch of Putzes'?

ADAMANTIUM. There's a mention in the adamantium entry of something called "The Overkill Horn". I'm definitely calling my next band "The Overkill Horn".

AGUILA. El Aguila's occupation is listed as "wealthy swashbuckler", which has got to be fun to write on your tax form. Also, he has the mutant power to generate an electric jolt while in contact with conductive metal. There must have been a lot of freedom-fried ninos on the merry-go-round when that particular power manifested itself.

A.I.M. AIM had those awesome yellow tube hats. I loved AIM. MODOK Bonus: Oh hell yeah.

ALPHA PRIMITIVES. The Alpha Primitives were some kind of dastardly Marvel neo-conservative metaphor for black people, I think. They were the Inhumans' slave race, and when they are finally granted their freedom, "having no culture and no knowledge of recreation, many of them have gone about their tasks as usual". Of course. How convenient for the Inhumans. Also, it is claimed that they are all of a generic neuter sex, when they are quite clearly all dudes.

AMERICAN EAGLE. Jason Strongbow, an American Indian superhero, uses that traditional Navajo weapon, the crossbow.

ANGAR THE SCREAMER. This is one of those supervillains that probably seemed a lot more menacing during the Manson Family days. He's basically a hairy smelly hippie from San Francisco who makes you have a crazy psychedelic freakout by singing scary rock music. This must have all been really terrifying in 1967.

ANGEL. 1985 was the height of Byrnemania, when John Byrne hadn't yet become totally untalented and was pulling down something like four hundred grand a year to draw Alpha Flight. So all the incidental art here is by Byrne and we don't get any pics of the classic Kirby Angel in the underrated black and yellow outfits. Bah.

ANNIHILUS. Okay, get it straight: Annihilus and Blastaar ruled. All the Negative Zone stories ruled. I don't care what none of y'all say. Plus we get lots of crazy-ass Kirby techno-insanity in the incidental art. "Marital status: Single, perhaps inapplicable". Got that, ladies? This one's available!

ANT-MAN. The great thing about OHOTMU was that they had all these ridiculously overblown 'technical drawings' of various superheroes' key gadgets, complete with blueprints, specs, and all sorts of dopey pseudo-scientific jargon. So with, say, Ant-man's helmet, we get stuff like a cutaway exploded diagram of some incomprehensible electronic doohickey with the caption "Cybernetic Frequency Brain Wave Pattern Logic Analysers".

AQUARIAN. "Wundarr acted mentally and emotionally retarded." HE SURE DID!

ARABIAN KNIGHT. I'm sorry. I just can't talk about this yet. It's...it's too soon. What was a goddamn BEDOUIN doing in a CAVE in EGYPT, for Christ's...I'm sorry. I can't go on.

ARCADE. I'm not gonna bust on this too much, because I love Arcade (Murderworlds! Miss Locke! Platform shoes with stars on them!), but I will point out that a comic that expects us to know what a "magnetic wave guide exit port" is also feels it needs to explain to us that a "hit man" is "(an assassin for hire)".

ARES. No fun-making: great Paul Smith drawing here.

ARKON. Arkon was some extra-dimensional fuck-knuckles who carried around a sack full of lightning bolts, some of which could open up a portal to other worlds and others of which could "shatter a medium-sized mountain", and yet he still cooked up some hare-brained scheme to trick the Scarlet Witch into casting a spell that would open up the gate to Earth so he could steal nuclear power. Okay then.

ARNIM ZOLA. Arnim Zola! Seriously psychotic Kirby art! Huge TV image of his own face embedded in his torso! Gratuitous Naziism! Plus, Arnim is also known as The Bio-Fanatic. Goddamn. I love comics.

ASP. The Asp, a really hot chick as drawn by Carl Potts, has sort of gray-green skin, which is I guess how Marvel colorists interpreted Arabs back in the day. "Deploring violence, she has never learned traditional methods of hand-to-hand combat". This next to a picture of the Asp, who chose an unusual-for-a-pacifist career as a professional assassin, trying to blow Captain America to smithereens with her "venom-bolts". MODOK Bonus: "One of her first recorded missions undertaken with her fellow Serpents was the attempt to assassinate Modok." GOOD LUCK, LADY!

AURORA. More John Byrne. Aurora could fly pretty fast considering how aerodynamically unstable her enormous tits must have been. This being the early days, her biography soft-pedals the 'batshit crazy psycho chick with homosexual brother' angle.

AVENGERS COMPOUND. "The financing and maintenance of the Compound is made possible through the Maria Stark Trust Fund and several private grants." And a generous donation from the MacArthur Fellowship. Note: there are seven goddamn pages of boring technical details of Avengers Mansion.

BALDER. You kids today. What was so great about Walt Simonson? Not only was a a fantastic artist and a good writer, but his signature made a dinosaur.

BARON MORDO. Okay, sure, he's the lamest arch-villain ever, but there's a lot of incidental art by brilliant artist and disturbed objectivist Steve "The Avenging Nutcase" Ditko. Some people don't like Ditko's Dr. Strange stuff, but I do. "Physical teleportation across time rather than space is the most power-draining type of journey of all." THANKS FOR CLEARING THAT UP, FELLAS.

BARON ZEMO. If you live in a comic book and you're a baron, you're evil. That's all there is to it. It's the most sinister of all aristocratic titles. Something about possession of a barony poisons a man's soul. If you're a king, a prince, a lord, a duke, an earl, or even a goddamn count, you might be good, or you might be bad. But if you're born a baron, you might as well start practicing your evil laugh in kindergarten, because your course is set, my friend.