BILL MALE:  Welcome back.  For those of you just joining us, we'll be staying with the breaking Calvin Feller story all day today, suspending our regular programming.

JEANETTE FEMALE:  And to those of you tuning in tonight for the NFL football game, we need to remind you that we are going to carry continuous coverage of the Feller story throughout the evening, and also that it is not football season.

BILL MALE:  Anyone who hasn't yet heard the news, and it seems like from some of the angrier phone calls our ombudsman has received that some of you have not, earlier today in a televised press conference, Mayor Tony Gent said that controversial downtown real estate developer Calvin Feller was a dick.

JEANETTE FEMALE:  That's right, Bill.  Asked to clarify his comments, Mayor Gent spelled out the word, which is spelled "D-I-C-K", and restated his position that Feller was not only a dick, but a big dick. 

BILL MALE:  Calvin Feller was quick to respond; calling his own press conference an hour later, he claimed that the claims were groundless, and that if anyone was a dick, it was Mayor Gent himself.  Let's look at that footage.

CALVIN FELLER:  No, you're the dick, Mayor Gent!  You're the dick!

REPORTER JIM CHAPMAN, KREB-TV:  What, me?

CALVIN FELLER:  No, the mayor.

JEANETTE FEMALE:  A Feller Development Company spokesman was later sent out with a clarification, claiming that Mr. Feller had no concrete evidence one way or another whether or not Mayor Gent is a dick, but that the company is going on record to say that he is a pottymouth.

BILL MALE:  The mayor's office said only that this is exactly the sort of accusation that a dick would make, and that if any further claims of pottymouthery would be met with calling Feller a fuckface.  Deputy Mayor Angela Lady stood by her boss, saying that even if Feller wasn't a dick, he was certainly a prick, and probably a cock, while FDC's lead stockholders issued a statement of support claiming that he was no worse than a dingaling.  Meanwhile, Reverend...

JEANETTE MALE:  I'm sorry to interrupt you, Bill, but we're getting reports from our man in the field, Carl Persons, that arrests have been made at City Hall.  Carl?

CARL PERSONS:  That's right, Jeanette.  Here at City Hall, Harvey Individual, a plumbing and lingerie technician from Placewood Heights, has been charged with threatening behavior and assault with intent after saying that both the mayor and Mr. Feller needed to have their mouths washed out with soap.  If convicted, Individual faces up to 20 years in prison, and the district attorney is asking for the maximum penalty and a public declaration that Individual is a total asshole.

BILL MALE:  Thanks, Carl.  And now, with an editorial viewpoint, this station's owner, Mark Applicant.

MARK APPLICANT:  Everyone is talking about who is a dick here, and what was a cock there, and in which hole someone who is another variant or another of penis was shoved and also by who.  But as usual, the real culprit is the media.  If there are any dicks in this story, they belong to you, Bill, and in a metaphoric but nonetheless important way, you, Leslie.  Also, as the owner of the station, me, but mostly you.  And as long as the media continues to dwell on bogus issues of who is and is not a dick, it will be we, the public -- even the members of the publci who hapen to own television stations -- who will be dicked around.

JEANETTE FEMALE:  Mayor Gent's spokesman has called for a series of debates, over a period of the next eight weeks, at a venue yet to be determined, in which the question of who exactly is the dick and who is the totally upstanding guy who has been unjustly called a dick is settled once and for all.  Bill?

BILL MALE:  Calvin Feller has responded to the call for debate by countering that the public should be allowed to decide who is the dick by a citywide town hall meeting or, failing that, a straw poll.  In our own EBS news poll, the public has overwhelmingly responded by asking if they will be able to write in their own votes.

JEANETTE FEMALE:  We'll be right back after this break with the official response of the local archdiocese, who claim that all parties involved are a bunch of douchebags.

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