LUDIC LOG

THE LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES CONFESS: "THE WORST WE KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER" (exclusive to this publication!)

Bouncing Boy: "Invisible Kid has this little pocket photo album, and it's full of pictures of Chuck Norris. He takes it into the bathroom with him and cracks off, to pictures of Chuck fuckin' Norris."

Element Lad: "Everyone knew Sensor Girl was really Princess Projectra. We were just pretending we didn't know. We strung her along because we felt sorry for her."

Saturn Girl: "Timber Wolf stinks like an elephant's asshole. I mean, he says it's part of his animal powers. Sure."

Ultra Boy: "We used to have this chess computer in the Technical Center at Legion HQ; you know, one of those little travel toys, where you would play against the machine. And Braniac 5, he cannot beat this thing. Here he is, supposedly with an IQ of, like, six million, and he loses to this little electronic chess game every time. We all thought it was funny, but Brainy just flipped out. He actually smashed it underneath a servo, like he was killing it or something. He wouldn't even talk about it after that. The pieces disappeared, but a couple of months later, Superboy told us he found them floating around in the Phantom Zone. Unbelievable."

Blok: "Lighting Lad is a big fag. Are you going to say who told this?"

Matter-Eater Lad: "Shadow Lass used to have a big crack habit. But the thing was, crack was pretty much eradicated in the 26th century, so she had to constantly go back in time to get some, and she would make up these ridiculous lies to get access to a time machine. She was always asking for "guard duty" on the Time Cube and the Time Bubbles. She would constantly be telling us we had to go after the Lord of Time or Kanjar Ro or whatever other villain had access to temporal displacement machinery or the flimsiest of pretexts, and I can personally guarantee that she sucked Rip Hunter's dick to get access to his Time Patrol ship. Eventually it got so bad that she got Wildfire and Quislet and some of the younger Legionnaires to attack Kang the Conquerer, which was totally fucked up because he isn't even in the DC universe and Stan Lee's people sued the shit out of us. The stupid thing is that she could have easily synthesized some in the Multi-Lab, but she was too coked out to realize it. Kind of a catch 22 situation."

Shrinking Violet: "When Tellus found out I was a lesbian, he kept asking these really personal questions about what it meant. I wasn't offended; I figured, well, he's from a totally different galaxy, he's a member of a non-humanoid species, he probably really doesn't understand. So I was very open with him. It turns out he was filming all my answers with a mini-camera in his helmet and posting them on the internet."

Tyroc: "All that stuff about Wildfire not having a physical body? That's bullshit. He just says it because he doesn't want to do it with Dawnstar."

Dream Girl: "Officially, Magnetic Kid isn't even in the Legion. We let him hang around because he's always good for a cruel, pathetic laugh. You want to know what's really incredible? On his 'official' Legion membership papers, Lightning Lad signed Bart Simpson's name instead of his own, and Magnetic Kid never even noticed."

Invisible Kid: "Did Bouncing Boy tell you I jack off to pictures of Chuck Norris? Goddamn. That guy is fucking unreal. I'm gonna kick his fat ass."

Phantom Girl: "Star Boy has a clause in his contract that the penciller on all Legion books -- features and backups -- has to draw him with a really tight, firm ass. One time, Dan Jurgens did a one-shot that Star Boy was in for all of three panels, and he thought Jurgens made his ass look saggy, so he beat the shit out of him."

White Witch: "Colossal Boy ain't so colossal, yo. Na'amsayin'?"