LUDIC LOG

...which is why, of course, we'll be bringing in the helicopters at that time, since they'll give us the reliability and flexibility we need. Tom?

No, unfortunately I can't give you anything on the Basra situation at the moment. No, we've got some information, which we think is pretty reliable right now, but due to sensitive matters such as troop positioning and the security of the men in the field, we can't really go into that. Mmmm. Okay, who's next? Tyresse?

What?

I didn't put anything in my mouth.

No, I didn't. I was wiping my face. The lights are pretty hot up here. Let's try and confine ourselves to questions about the military aspects of the operations, shall we? Okay. Martin.

That's a good question. No, the 'shock and awe' attacks have not been ruled out. They're postponed at the moment while we assess intelligence that's coming in from many different areas of operation, but they could take place at any time. I would suggest that it's not something worth devoting too much attention to; I think it's become sort of a catch phrase in the press and its importance is getting a little exaggerated. No, no, these things happen. Ken.

Will we be using the e-bomb and if so, when. Okay. The e-bomb, of course, is the electromagnetic pulse weapon, designed to take out enemy electronics. Let me answer that by posing a question to you: do you have any orange juice?

Orange juice. Or pineapple juice. I mean, preferably orange, but whatever. A blend. Something with citrus.

It's an innocent question.

I have a craving.

Okay, look, let's just forget it. I think my point is well taken, Ken. Let's see who else we got. There in the back, you sir, I don't think I know your name, or the name of that penguin on your shoulder. Okay. Go ahead, Ed.

The elements our troops have faced so far have been regular army. There's no reports so far that we've had any contact with the Republican Guard.

No, I'm not too worried. Obviously the Republican Guard have a well-deserved reputation, but I don't see our boys having too much trouble unless Saddam unleashes the monkeys.

The monkeys.

What paper did you say you were with? Well, I mean, I don't want to show you up or anything, but doesn't the Seattle Post-Intelligencer read the wire reports? Saddam Hussein's poisonous flying monkey battalion. They've been plaguing our troops for months now.

Yes, I'm aware the invasion only started yesterday. I work for the Pentagon.

Fine. Tell that to the monkeys, then. See how they like it.

Look, I'm tired of this line of questioning. Let's go to one of the ladies. Kelly from the Times. What have you got for me, Kelly?

How many monkeys? Well, that's something you're going to have to ask Saddam Hussein.

What?

No, not the money! The monkeys! Why would he have poisonous money? Although now that I think of it it's a pretty devious idea.

Oh. Oh, okay. You're asking how much money the operation is costing per day. All right. Ha, ha. No, my fault. I thought you said...right, the monkeys, when you were talking about money. No, I don't know how much money the monkeys cost. No, I told you.

God! Is it hot in here? Is it, or is it me? Can someone turn the walls off? Dick? Let's get, let's get the walls off in here, and get that window to hold still.

No? Well, it looks like a window to me. Hey, what's that over there? Okay! Let's take another question. Bill.

I didn't put anything in my mouth. I already answered that question. This press conference is over.