LUDIC LOG

In January of 2003, I was approached by the editors of the Chicago Tribune newspaper about the possibility of penning a regular feature for their publication. It was to be a series of human-interest "one-liners" designed to put a friendly face on the upcoming war in Iraq. I immediately accepted, and set to work at once.

However, despite the fact that I believed myself naturally suited to the format, worked extremely hard on each piece (which I wrote under the byline "The Iraqontuer"), and enjoyed the sizable paychecks I recieved, the feature ran for only a month and was cancelled by the Tribune on Monday, March 17th -- mere days before the start of the war, at a time when they would be needed the most.

Did the Tribune make a foolish mistake in cancelling my feature? I reprint them below in their entirety and ask you to be the judge.

Feb. 13th: "Wars, vast fortunes and huge penises have one thing in common: the people who complain about them the most are the people who don't have them."

Feb. 14th. "A friend of mine in the service tells me he's hoping to find a special valentine in Baghdad; he tells me he's tired of raping corpses every February 14th."

Feb. 15th. "There's two kinds of people in this world: those who are in favor of military action against Iraq, and homosexuals."

Feb. 16th. "A lot of people are asking for evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq; well, I say my foot up your hippie ass is evidence enough for me."

Feb. 17th. "There's so many Stalinists in the anti-war movement, you'd think you'd stumbled into the Stalinist after-Stalin disco at the annual Stalingrad Stalinist impersonators' banquet on Stalin's birthday."

Feb. 18th. "If you wanted to, you could make a lot of jokes about Hans Blix's name sounding like certain words for the human wiener."

Feb. 19th. "Boy, you know what would really hit the spot right now is a nice solid war with Iraq."

Feb. 20th. "I'm not saying that everyone who opposes this war is a parasitic Jew."

Feb. 21st. "If you ask me, Saddam Hussein is personally responsible for the attacks on the World Trade Center."

Feb. 22nd. "It's probably just a coincidence that noted child molester Gary Glitter is against war with Iraq."

Feb. 23rd. "Make no mistake, this war won't be easy -- not as long as Muslims can summon flesh-eating demons with their death-worshipping necromancy."

Feb. 24th. "Whenever I think about Saddam Hussein, or Mohammed el-Baraday, or Janeane Garofalo, I also think about Adolf Hitler, and I mention his name in connection with those other people, so everyone will know that I consider them morally equivalent to Hitler."

Feb. 25th. "If God didn't want us to wage war on Iraq, why did he give us awesome attack helicopters?"

Feb. 26th. "Boy, all I can say is, it's too bad that the families of people who died in the World Trade Center attacks and who oppose war with Iraq did not also die in the World Trade Center attacks."

Feb. 27th. "Everything Israel does is great."

Feb. 28th. "On the last day of a short month, let's all stop asking questions."

March 1st. "If dissent is so patriotic, why do I keep punching war protestors in the back of the head?"

March 2nd. "People who advocate dropping nuclear bombs on Baghdad obviously are forgetting about Damascus, Riyadh, and Pyongyang."

March 3rd. "Christ came to me in a dream last night and told me that Helen Thomas is the devil."

March 4th. "Sure, we might have armed Saddam Hussein in the first place, but he's our enemy now."

March 5th. "It's the duty of every patriotic American to make aggrieved faces and cluck their tongues when people say they're against war."

March 6th. "One great thing about attacking Iraq is that they're a bunch of dusky foreigners who don't speak English so who cares if they all die?"

March 7th. "This war isn't about oil, or imperialism, or revenge: it's about humanitarianism and basic civil rights, or whatever we can come up with to get you to shut up."

March 8th. "If you don't believe Saddam Hussein is a threat to the world, you probably don't believe there's a lesbian conspiracy to emasculate the American male and turn the country into a totalitarian gynocracy either."

March 9th. "I feel certain that George Orwell, Abraham Lincoln, Jesus, Jackie Robinson and many other well-respected famous dead people would have supported this war."

March 10th. "We can have peace in the middle east, or we can ensure your precious 6-year-old daughter remains unbuggered by al-Q'aeda terrorists; it's your choice."

March 11th. "I think a good way to help the economy would be to bomb the living shit out of a bunch of people in some third world country."

March 12th. "Not that I supported the Nazis -- in fact, as I mentioned before, I like to compare people who disagree with me to Adolf Hitler -- but I will say that at least they tried to get rid of the French."

March 13th. "Boy, that Ari Fleischer just exudes trustworthiness, doesn't he?"

March 14th. "I don't advocate beating up middle eastern immigrants, unless you are reasonably sure that they are Muslim."

March 15th. "It should be pretty easy to beat those Iraqis, particularly if we don't have to touch them."

March 16th. "All subtleties aside, anti-war protesters are all homosexuals, negroes, Jews, communists and murderers, except for the ones who are filthy hippie drug dealers."