LUDIC LOG

Here's my problem: I don't take things personally.

Now, I say this is my problem only because I know it's not your problem. I don't even think it's a problem, is how fucked up I am. H.L. Mencken once wrote an extended essay about how he was incapable of envy, and how this caused a certain degree of bewildered resentment from his fellow man, but that no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't bring himself to feel too bad that other peope had it better than he did. Now, this isn't much of an issue with me (I'm perfectly capable of all the envy a fellow would want), but I can relate to the lack of a common emotion shared by most sad little humans.

My inability to be offended by abstracts is hardly the only gaping hole in my mental makeup; I'm also lacking in ambition, drive, work ethic, and any number of other things placed at a premium in our Great Republic. But the fact that I don't get insulted when people disagree with me seems to get me in more trouble than anything else.

Don't get me wrong: I love to argue. And in order to argue with someone, you have to take up at least a nominally contrary position. Which I do, and I defend it with a vociferousness that borders on the Hitlerian; after all, I think I'm right. Doesn't everyone? But I seem unable to get to the point where I feel personally slighted when someone argues against, or even mocks and belittles, my viewpoint on any given subject. Perhaps this is an outgrowth of my irksome pomo sensibilities; I think I'm right, sure, but the quote marks around "right" are as big as the world. Or maybe it's because I can't imagine anyone being more critical of me than I am of myself. It could even stem from a rampaging ego that sees everyone else as, while certainly no worse, just as absolutely no better than I am -- so who cares what they think, anyway?

At any rate, I never seem to reach the point where I begin to perceive someone's criticism of my opinions as a criticism of myself, or mockery of my interests as mockery of me personally, or the vigorous defense of a contrary position to mine as comprising an aggressive act against me as an individual. I am cursed with the habit of separating the idea from the person who believes it. After all, I used to believe in all sorts of things I now think of as ridiculous: God, communism, the death penalty, Nietzche, Brian DePalma. Ideas change.

As a result of all this, a person can argue with me all day long, on the basest possible terms, and I would never take it personally enough to feel emotionally slighted. Unfortunately, I tend to project this attitude to others, which leads to awkward social situations. For instance, I have often been confronted with a situation where a friend, offended for some reason by the path or method of my argumentation over some meaningless subject or another, expresses their hurt feelings. Not really knowing where to go with this, I usually offer an apology more or less along these lines: "I'm sorry you were offended by what I said." Time after time have I been told that this is a non-apology, simply another way of saying "I didn't really do anything wrong, and thus refusing to accept any responsibility for my actions, I place the blame at your door for your interpretation of what I said or did". And while this makes perfect sense, I still don't get it. Apologizing for my own lack of empathy for someone's reaction to my statements seems no more or less hollow than apologizing for other people's inability to react in the same way as I do. I mean, I'll say I'm sorry until the cows come home; I'm genuinely regretful when my interaction with people I care about causes them emotional distress. But how can I apologize for my inability to be as pissed off at them as they are at me?

I don't have any answers, as usual. So, I hereby issue the following blanket apology. If I have ever offended you in any way, especially as the result of disagreeing with you about something, I am very, very sorry. If it makes you feel any better, my feelings were hurt, too.

Well, not really. But I tried, dammit. I tried.