LUDIC LOG

LEONARD PIERCE, welcome aboard EuroKlass Connubial Services' exclusive premier subscriber service! Joining this service means that you've made a commitment to quality. And we at EuroKlass have also made a commitment to quality. That's two commitments to quality, and we haven't even sent you a catalog yet! Pretty impressive? Don't be. There's plenty more to come.

As the founder of EuroKlass Connubial Services, allow me to say a few things about our company. When I received your membership package, I thought to myself, "Aleksandr, LEONARD PIERCE thinks he's probably signed up for another fly-by-night, here-today and gone-tomorrow Russian mail order bride racket. Will he be surprised! Of course." The facts of the matter is, EuroKlass is anything but fly-by-night. We have been in business since 1991 -- in fact, we were chartered mere hours after the collapse of the Soviet Union. And while we do feature a wide selection of lovely ladies from the various former satellite nations of the Russian commonwealth, the 'Euro' in 'EuroKlass' means just that: alls sorts of accomodating and desirable women from the Ukraine, Belarus, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, and even such exotic and sultry paradises as Romania, Albania, Macedonia, whatever the former Yugoslavia is calling itself these days -- and, yes, we have Hungarians! Wherever sexy women are seeking a better life, EuroKlass is there, to make them marry you!

But I know what you are saying, LEONARD PIERCE. You are saying, "But Aleksandr! I have been burned by many a mail-order bride before. There was the Moldovan waitress who locked herself in the toilet and would not come out until I brought her the divorce papers. There was the Bulgarian research scientist who refused to leave the back seat of my SUV unless I had myself chemically castrated. There was the South Korean photo retoucher who turned out to be a man, and also stabbed me and took the keys to my safety deposit box. How can I be sure you are on the up and up?" Here is how: my money back guarantee. You are making a commitment to quality, and so are we, and with so much quality commitment, there must be trust. There is my trust that you are a good and decent man who has been unlucky at love, and there is your trust that I will not sell you a transsexual, an escaped lunatic, or an enforcer for a drugs gang. If either one of us violates that trust, then the prestigious name of EuroKlass Connubial Services is tarnished! I would rather give nearly all your money back than see that happen. You have my word 100% that these are beautiful sexy girls who want to make marriage with you, not trampy prostitutes who will cosh you in the head with a crowbar and make off with your credit card numbers! This special guarantee -- the guarantee of real, not-made-up European pretty girls who will almost certainly have sex with you in exchange for a lifetime of financial support -- is why we use the phrase 'Connubial Services' instead of something with no class like 'mail order brides'.

What kind of mail-order brides are they? I will tell you. They are not desperate! No more than you are. They are gorgeous ladies from any number of Slavic countries, many of whom own their own lingerie. Our ladies run the gamut from tall to short, from 18 to 35, from skinny to sexy, and from amateur pornographic actress to amateur pornographic actress/former head of the oceanography department at the University of Tirana. Many are named Olga, but nothing approaching a majority. They are thoroughly vetted for social diseases, the possession of undisclosed children, knowledge of the English language, and familiarity with United States divorce and family law. We are proud of what we do, not shady. And part of not shady means that we are not running hookers out of the former Eastern Bloc. We are arranging transport and matrimonial facilitation services to lonely men and eager women who just happen to need a little help, not because they are criminals or escaped sociopaths or pawns in some sort of insurance fraud! Allegations are called allegations because no one has proven them, LEONARD PIERCE. These are good Christian ladies, or, if you prefer, not. And also, they like what you like, if you know what I mean, unless what you like is girls who refuse to speak with you and go to live with your neighbors until a policeman comes. Because they sure don't like that!

To recap: we have many commitments to quality. We are EuroKlass, because Euro=pean, and Klass=classy, with a commitment to quality, or in this case, 'kwality'. (You cannot long survive in this business without a sense of humor.) Beautiful ladies, expensive but well worth it, probably will not deny you sex. Not a felony! Can anyone else make you that promise, the promise of not a felony? I think not anyone. Check the box below for our free catalog today, LEONARD PIERCE. Your sexy connubial future is waiting -- waiting in the Celabinsk airport cocktail lounge, right now. And neither one of you is getting any younger.