LUDIC LOG

"...and I realize that some of you don't want to be here. None of us wants to be here. But these classes are mandated by the courts for a reason. When we finish up here, I want you to go away with one lesson: it is never okay to hit a child."

"Mr. Farnsworth?"

"Yes, Eddie?"

"Are you sure you mean 'never'? Because I think it's justified sometimes."

"Okay, Eddie, since you asked, we'll use you as an example. Why did you hit your son?"

"He was mouthing off to me."

"That's absolutely no excuse. How would you like it if people hit you if you said something they didn't like?"

"People do that to me all the time. I'm cool with it."

"When do people do that to you?"

"Well, like the other day, I went into this bar in Templeton and told them that Templeton boys are a bunch of queer faggots. So they beat me up. I pretty much had it coming."

"But it's different when it's a child. Children don't know any better."

"I told Garrett 'Quit mouthing off to me, boy, or I'll whup you'. I said it like three times. I'm pretty sure he knew better."

"Eddie, children are helpless. They can't defend themselves."

"Garrett's taller than me. And he weighs more. He's on the baseball team."

"What does that have to do with it?"

"What if he'd hit me first?"

"Eddie..."

"With a bat?"

"Eddie..."

"They use them aluminum bats. You can't tell me he can hit a ball 350 feet with that thing and not do some damage to my headbone."

"Eddie, your son isn't going to hit you first."

"He's done it before."

"Like when?"

"When I'm late with his allowance. When he's been hitting the sauce."

"How old is your son?"

"Thirteen."

"Look...look. It's a matter of trust. You are the authority in that child's life. They look to you to know how to behave. They trust and believe in you and abuse violates that trust. That's why it's not okay to hit a child, no matter what. Now, let's open our booklets to page..."

"What if they gang up on you?"

"Eddie, you know, if you could..."

"I mean, what if it's like ten of them? Ten kids can do some real damage to a grown adult. Force of numbers."

"But how often does..."

"Like one time the neighbor kids tried to force me down a tiger pit they built. There's eight of them. Italians, I think. Big family."

"Eddie..."

"They was after my car keys. I thought about shootin' em, but I figured it'd be more humane to just punch them a few times."

"Does this happen to you a lot, Eddie?"

"Now, my littlest one, Erin, she's eight? She attacks me a lot when I'm sleeping. Pours Quik-crete over my face, lights the sheets on fire, whatnot. But I draw the line at hitting a girl."

"Okay, I want you to stay in that frame of mind."

"I do put her in the neighbor's tiger pit, though. My fear is that every day I don't hit her she's just getting meaner and meaner."

"Eddie..."

"Last night she put some Drano in my Alka-Seltzer. Luckily I smelled it in time."

"Eddie, can I tell you something?"

"Sure thing, Mr. Farnsworth."

"You're the worst assistant I've ever had."

"Teach by example, they always told me."