LUDIC LOG

THAT DARN GOD

We open on God, in his holy temple in heaven. He is sitting on the lightning-spitting throne and, having just fed the eye-covered chant beasts some kibble, he's relaxing with a little Nintendo. Some non-violent fun-fest like Super Mario Kart. Enter stage left, clad in a silk smoking jacket, pajamas and slippers, his ancient nemesis, Satan.

"Hey, God! How's every little thing?"

"Oh, it's you."

"Brrr! Why the frosty reception, friend? You know I like warmer climates."

"I'm still mad at you about those Crusades. I can't believe I let you talk me into that."

"Oh, so it's somehow my fault that your followers can't obey simple instructions?"

"That was totally uncalled for, Tempter."

"Hey, I'm sorry, chief. I'm being a jerk. Things must be really tense for you right now with the whole Mahometan thing."

"I hate that Allah! He makes me feel so..."

"Ineffectual?"

"No..."

"Boring?"

"Wimpy!"

"Aaaah."

"And he has no respect for tradition."

"I hear you."

"All I want is to be a nice guy, you know...and..."

"Do you want a tissue?"

"No, I'll be fine. I'm sorry. I promised myself I wasn't going to do this!"

"It's all right. Let it all out, buddy."

"I just want to be nice! And that stupid Allah makes it look like I'm some kind of big softie."

"I know."

"I mean, I just want them to like me! Is that so much to ask?"

"Of course not."

"And it's not like I never do anything for them. The Church is coming along so well."

"It is! I have high hopes for that Torquemada kid."

"I just don't know anymore. Maybe I'm getting too old for this."

"I won't hear such talk! You've got more omniscience in your little finger than that deity-come-lately has in his whole body."

"You're so good to listen to me moan and groan. As usual, I've misjudged you, Lucifer."

"You know, maybe the problem is that you keep sending out all those grizzled old soldiers on the Crusades. That's probably why they keep getting mixed up with looting and pillage and what have you. They're old men who have lost their way."

"I suppose it is a lot to ask from those tired ol' troupers, bless 'em."

"You know what I would do?"

"What?"

"I'd send little kids out there. I mean...who loves you more than kids?"

"Hmmmm."