LUDIC LOG

For the benefit of our slower readers, I wish to translate Ann Coulter's exceptional column from today. Ms. Coulter, who is America's leading female conservative, wishes to set a few things straight about Halle Berry's Oscar victory; but she uses sophisticated rhetorical techniques that may confuse those without the benefit of a classical education. Therefore, as a free service, I present: Ann Coulter's "I Like Black People Too, Julia!", explained. (Ms. Coulter's original in italics. I excerpt it in full in hopes that she will sue me.)

I tuned in late and consequently can speak only to the last three hours of Halle Berry's acceptance speech at the Academy Awards last Sunday. But inasmuch as she engaged in wild race-baiting to get her Oscar, her expressions of shock were not very believable.

I didn't watch Halle Berry's acceptance speech, but I do know this: that uppity nigger didn't deserve to win.

She had spent weeks complaining about one time she did not get a role because of her color. It was the part of a forest ranger. Arnold Schwarzenegger probably has trouble getting cast as a ballet dancer, too.

Niggers can no more be park rangers than weightlifters can be ballet dancers.

And yet still, somehow, white guilt worked on Hollywood liberals! Berry had successfully mau-maued her way to a best actress award and then acted surprised.

Cowardly liberal scum have once again kowtowed to pressure from the uppity nigger lobby.

It's interesting that Berry makes such a big deal about being black. She was raised by her white mother who was beaten and abandoned by her black father. Clearly, Berry has calculated that it is more advantageous for her acting career to identify with the man who abandoned her rather than the woman who raised her.

Halle Berry isn't really black, because she was raised by a white woman. Her father abandoned her, as is the habit of shiftless and irresponsible niggers. But in order to play up white guilt, she pretends to be black. Also, since I didn't actually watch the speech, I missed the part where she thanked her white mother for raising her because her black father abandoned her.

Demanding that everyone marvel at her accomplishment, Berry gushed: "This moment is so much bigger than me." Whenever people say something is not about them it's always just about them. This is a turn of phrase meant to remind the audience of the importance and beauty of them. Berry said her triumph was a victory "for every nameless, faceless woman of color who now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened."

Halle Berry is an egotistical, beauty-obsessed spoiled brat. I don't know anyone like that myself.

Yes, at long last, the "glass ceiling" had been broken. Large-breasted, slightly cocoa women with idealized Caucasian features finally have a chance in Hollywood! They will, however, still be required to display their large breasts for the camera and to discuss their large breasts at some length with reporters.

Halle Berry isn't a real nigger, because she looks sort of white. Therefore, her triumph isn't really doing any good for the coloreds, not that they deserve it. Also, women who play up their physical appearance are whores. Unless they are me.

Thus, Berry has explained her philosophy on nude scenes, saying: "(I)f it's what the character would do, then I'd use my body in any way that would best serve that character." This, she said, is her "strong belief." But what does it mean, exactly? Don't all people undress sometimes? All people pick their noses, but vapid Hollywood actresses don't insist on showing us that in every movie on the grounds that it is "what the character would do."

Hollywood is filled with panderers and pimps. Most of them are Jews.

In fact, Berry's unseemly enthusiasm for displaying "these babies," as she genteelly refers to her breasts, reduces roles for any women who lack Berry's beauty queen features. If movies must include soft porn scenes, the audience is entitled to demand performers with sexual characteristics they would like to see in a soft porn movie. Somehow, characters played by Whoopi Goldberg are never the sorts of characters who would do things in real life like undress or have sex. And by the way, Billy Bob Thorton isn't cutting it for the female audience.

The mostly Jewish panderers and pimps in Hollywood are destroying our nation with their smut-peddling. Also, they would never put a real nigger, like Whoopi Goldberg, in one of their pornographic films. And while we're on the subject of pornography, I would personally appreciate hunkier men in movies.

When they are young, nubile Hollywood actresses all utter the same idiotic cliches about the artistic value of nudity in movies. Then they expect us to feel sorry for them when parts dry up after they become old and start to sag. Live by the breast, die by the breast.

I am petrified with fear at my own encroaching age and its concomitant loss of beauty, since my reputation rests on being hot.

But Berry's self-aggrandizing pap was merely a footnote to the main theme of the awards ceremony, which was: Julia Roberts loves all the black brothers! It was a point she felt could not be made too often or with too much condescension. Her presentation of the best actor award began with the exciting revelation that she had just kissed Sidney Poitier!

Julia Roberts is a race traitor who is polluting our precious white blood by consorting with niggers.

Having once famously proclaimed she did not want to live in a world in which Denzel Washington had not won an Oscar for best actor, she preceded her announcement of his award saying, "I love my life!" This was about her, not him. It was her personal triumph over racism. The only patronizing remark Roberts skipped was to note that Washington and Poitier were "articulate."

Julia Roberts obviously fetishizes black men, which is an abomination unto God. Also, she seems to have some sort of residual racial issues, unlike me.

After Washington accepted his award, Roberts leapt on him and would not let go. It was as if he had grown some sort of exotic Julia Roberts wart. Not only Washington, but, more urgently, his wife deserves great credit for their forbearance. Whatever indignities Hollywood has visited on blacks in the past, it would be hard to top this.

I am very funny. Also, 95 years of racism, degradation, abuse and stereotyping are nothing compared to having to be hugged and kissed by a beautiful woman.

Whenever white liberals are in trouble, they always run to the blacks. Immediately after the Monica Lewinsky scandal broke, Monica went to a Washington Wizards game where she hoisted some poor unsuspecting black girl onto her lap in full view of the cameras. Bill Clinton dropped the subtlety and dashed off to Africa. After his abomination of a presidency, Jimmy Carter built housing in Harlem.

Liberals don't care any more about niggers than I do. They just pretend to like them to generate good publicity. They should just ignore them, or vilify them, like me.

Apparently, Oscars night was Hollywood's shot at patronizing blacks to generate goodwill -- perhaps as wartime penance for its long-standing hatred of America.

Hollywood is filled with commies, most of whom are Jews, and they are bent on destroying America.

It's too bad Denzel Washington's Oscar was tainted by Hollywood's self-serving night of condescension. He deserved that award. And he deserves a special award for not punching Julia Roberts in the mouth.

Denzel Washington doesn't deserve an Oscar, because he is a nigger. No, wait. I mean, his Oscar is "tainted". It's a good thing he didn't punch the white woman in the mouth, which would have been a typical nigger thing to do. Maybe he's partly white too.