LUDIC LOG

Thank you for considering Best Western Religions!

When we say "Best Western", it's not just a name -- it's a commitment. For over 4000 years, we have provided Western religion that's not just good: it's the best. You don't get to be the best by offering fly-by-night mystical nonsense, hoodoo jibberish or here-today-gone-tomorrow cults: you get to be the best by providing quality spiritual enlightment and guidance for everyone from traditional people of faith to today's modern seeker of truth.

We know that faith-based consumers have a choice, and we also know that they're discriminating and intelligent buyers who don't make a decision hastily. You've got questions; we've got answers. If you don't find what you're looking for in this pamphlet, please feel free to pray at any time day or night; an answer of some sort may be forthcoming.

Q.: What sacrifices will I have to make for my religion?

A.: For most Best Western Religions, you won't have to make any sacrifices at all -- either literal sacrifices of the sheep-and-firstborn-child sort, or figurative sacrifices such as having to obey a bunch of outdated laws that will interfere with your active, self-actualizing lifestyle. We recognize that today's faith-based consumer is looking for a "personal relationship" with God, and part of having a personal relationship is ensuring that no one ever disapproves of anything you do.

Q.: But don't all of Best Western's religions demand adherence to a set of moral virtues?

A..: Yes, but which moral virtues you choose are up to you! With Best Western's new "You Choose, You Snooze" program, you are free to ignore dozens, even hundreds of moral strictures contained within your faith of choise, freeing you up to do anything you want, even if it is expressly, repeatedly and expressly forbidden in that faith's most sacred text. Religion isn't about restrictions -- like a good cellular phone plan, it's about freedom.

Q.: If I can do anything I want, then what do I need religion for?

A.: Religion is there to help determine, shape, and fulfill your spiritual needs. It's not there to tell you why you have spiritual needs, or even what 'spiritual' means. Besides, if you don't have some kind of religion, you are either an atheist (and thus can never be elected president), an agnostic (in which case people will constantly pester you to make up your mind) or a materialist (which will result in people saying they feel sorry for you).

Q.: Okay, I'm convinced that I can pick any religion I want and still live the lifestyle to which I am accustomed. Is there anything they all have in common?

A.: They all require you to at least pay lip service to the notion of a very powerful invisible entity who exists somewhere in the universe of space and time, and which created everything else without having been created itself. Most suggest that this invisible entity wants us to follow a particular moral code, although as we have mentioned, you need not do so. The moral code is mostly for other people who are less intelligent than you are.

Q.: What about theology?

A.: Islam is the most straightforward -- it contains a number of very simple commands which must be followed to the letter, with a minimum of theological maneuvering. This makes it an ideal "beginner's religion". Those who enjoy more authoritarianism but aren't quite ready for theological complexity should consider Christianity, our most popular package and ideal for moderately spiritual seekers. The elite Judaism plan is ideal for sophisticated consumers who want plenty of theology, philosophy and endless argumentations mixed in with their belief in a giant invisible man who lives in the sky and wants us to eat certain things.

Q.: Are there any drawbacks to the plans?

A.: Many Americans with simple palates find Islam to be a tad too spicy, and a recent recall of the Waha'abist model, which tended to explode at high speeds, cast doubts on what has otherwise been a perfectly servicable religion. Christianity, though highly customizable and very popular, is often thought of as too traditional for modern tastes. We are still looking into reports of negative social consequences of Judaism. But none of these need be insurmountable when selecting a religion; simply speak to your consumer service representative about tailoring a plan that's right for you.

Q.: Will any of these religious faiths prevent me from killing people?

A.: Not if you really want to. In fact, under certain circumstances, killing is not only permitted, but encouraged. Enjoy!