LUDIC LOG

Neal Pollack commands; I obey. The Maximum Leader has declared that today is the day to mock the Cheneys for their humorless attempt to strong-arm WhiteHouse.org. It is the great strength of Americans that we do what we're told.

***

"You hear that, Dr. Pearlstein? That's what I have to put up with at home."

"Why don't you quit your complaining? I didn't hear you bitch and moan when all those long hours I put in at Halliburton paid for your research trips to Paris so you could have pizzas delivered to Jacques Derrida's house."

"Quit lording  it over me, Dick. You're not with your little girlfriend Condi now."

"Oh, for Christ's sake. I can't believe you're still dragging that up. We're planning a goddamn war, for the love of Pete."

"That's the language you use around me? You talk to Bill Bennett with that mouth? You should hear what Ashcroft says about you. He thinks you're possessed by the Devil."

"We're Methodists, Lynne. And what are you hanging around with Ashcroft for?"

"Well, it's not like I ever have you to talk to. Always in that 'undisclosed location'. And you're not fooling anyone with that, by the way. I found the matchbooks in your coat pocket."

"Let me ask you something, Dr. Pearlstein. Would you be in a big hurry to come home if every time you stepped in the door, what you got was ten minutes of dressing down about how your wife had to go the American Enterprise Institute dinner by herself, followed by an hour-long lecture about how Jean-Francois Lyotard is destroying America's children?"

"Dick, honestly. You're embarrassing both of us."

"I mean, who the fuck is Jean-Francois Lyotard?"

"Maybe if you spent more time supporting my career and less time at Camp David playing 'Axis & Allies with Don', you would know that."

"You're not supposed to tell anyone where I..."

"I'm not joking, Dick. You can spend six weeks putting together that cartoon to explain troop preparedness to little George, but you can't spend two days reading one of my books?"

"You expect me to read that crap in two days? That one is 250 goddamn pages long. I asked you to make some bullet points but you can't meet me halfway."

"My career is important, Dick."

"Lynne, I'm the vice-president of the United States. I have a country to run. You don't want me to let him do it, do you?"

"So I'm just supposed to forget about what I do."

"What do you do? You don't do anything."

"I have a cause. Nancy Reagan had drugs. Marilyn Quayle had natural disasters. I have the evils of postmodernism."

"What a bunch of crap."

"Don't make me say it, Dick."

"No, go ahead! I want you to! Let's hear it! What have you got?"

"Do you know what makes children turn to homosexuality, Dick?"

"Oh, no. Don't even think about trying to..."

"Absent fathers."

"What a load."

"If she gets hit by one of Don's missiles, well, we'll all know who to blame, won't we?"

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Candace Gingrich too. Coincidence? I don't think so. Every night she says 'where's daddy?', probably. What am I supposed to tell people? That you're hiding out in Montana with Paul Wolfowitz? You see Kissinger more than you see me."

"Kissinger doesn't nag me as much as you do."

"These sessions were so worth the money, don't you think?"

"Absolutely, dear."