LUDIC LOG

I wish to make clear that my involvement in the second coming of Christ did not extend to His execution. I was against it from the start, and only every supported it out of an inability to convince my colleagues of a reasonable alternative.

Much has been written about my personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and I have (I think unfairly) been blamed for not doing enough to prevent His second transfixion and crucifixion. It is true that I was one of the first people He met upon his return to Earth -- a 'disciple', the press immediately dubbed me, though I preferred to think of myself as fulfilling more of an advisory role -- and it is likewise true that I was with Him until the very end. But to claim that I played a supportive part in His suffering and ultimate death, or to suggest as some have that I 'denied' Him in some way, is to brand one's self ignorance of the facts of the case.

As is widely known by now, despite my best efforts and those of the other so-called disciples, Jesus returned to Earth on July 23, 2004. He appeared in the Americana conference room of the Westin Hotel in downtown Boston, where myself and my associates at Rudman-Gelb happened to be holding a meeting on client acquisition strategies. After a period of initial skepticism, we were convinced of His true identity by the commission of a number of miracles, such as the changing of water into wine, the healing of the sick, and the recovery of PalmPilot data that once was lost. Given that He matched the general description of our Lord and Savior, and was well-versed in Bible lore and a number of stirring parables, we didn't really require the changing of Seikos into Rolexes to be won over, but He was kind enough to do it anyway.

We were even more pleased to learn that Jesus had specifically sought us out because He needed the expertise of marketing and advertising professionals for His latest project. Representing such a well-regarded client would mean a great deal of prestige for Rudman-Gelb, and immediately upon our satisfaction that He was who He said He was, we were practically champing at the bit to get started on whatever He had in mind.

Until, of course, we learned what it was.

The world would learn it later, much to their obvious shock and disappointment; all I can offer in excuse to the Christian public is that as chagrinned as they were to learn why the Son of God had made himself flesh once again, they were not half so disappointed as were we. To hear from His very mouth that the earthly manifestation of the Holy Trinity had taken corporeal form for the first time in two thousand years in order to manufacture, distribute and market a line of dessert cheeses is bad enough; to futher discover that the dessert cheeses were of a questionable quality and a frankly ill-conceived taste profile was beyond disappointing.

All our efforts to draw Him out were for naught. In response to the junior vice-president of the art department's query as to whether He had a message of love and faith to deliver to the world, He replied only that He "did that already", and at any rate was no longer interested in "that hippie-dippy love crap anymore". I myself asked on a number of occasions if He might find the time to fulfill any of the ancient prophecies, or at the very least apprise His many believers on the status of the end times. His response was invariably that such matters were "Dad's department" and that he wanted our "full attention" on His quest to bring to market His rather unfortunate dessert cheeses.

As many theologians and physicians have long speculated, the mind of God does not reckon time in the same way we mortals do, and from a number of frustrating conversations withe the Lord Jesus when we could pry Him away from the art directors, we learned that Jesus had finally attained what we would call here on Earth His 'age of majority'. Sure, he told us, He had once come to the world of men to preach the good news of redemption and forgiveness, but that was simply something His father wanted him to do, not unlike working in a homeless shelter for a few weeks to pad your college applications. Now that He was His own man -- "free, Judean, and 21", as he quipped -- He intended to focus His considerable gifts on a line of fruit- and pastry-flavored spreadable cheeses that had been a passion since childhood. Indeed, rather than an understandable obsession with the 1960s musical "Jesus Christ Superstar", all He would talk about was the cheese.

This, of course, the world would learn all too soon. We initially thought it best to soft-pedal His involvement in the product, and we gave it a modestly successful roll-out in delicatessens, downmarket grocery stores, and food service; but He insisted that the product would sell better if it carried His personal endorsement. The resulting campaign -- 'WonderWhiz Dessert Cheese: from the mind and hand of Jesus Christ Himself" -- was entirely His idea, and I urge those who spit on me and my children for our 'sacrilege' bear that in mind. So hostile was the public reaction that He decided to do a full-blown public relations blitz at trade shows, on the radio, and even a few of the more prominent talk shows. I don't have to tell you how these turned out; the public became even more perplexed and angry at His unwillingness to address any religious, spiritual or ethical concerns in favor of merely reiterating how "delicious and fun" His product line was. Of particular ill fortune was the incident on the Oprah Winfrey program when he afflicted with chilblains a middle-aged woman who asked Him why He thought cotton candy would make a good cheese flavor.

It was not until the disastrous Sermon on the Mount II, where he prepared a lengthy list of ethical and moral quandaries which he proceeded to answer by suggesting that the solution to these and all other problems lay in purchasing WonderWhiz Dessert cheese, that we began to realize that something had to be done. I reiterate that I would not and did not join our CEO (and my mentor), Judas McSorley, in calling for his painful and gruesome execution by the cruel cross. I am, for all my faults, the least deicidal person you will ever meet. I suggested eminantly humane solutions to the problem, such as rendering the Saviour incapable of speech, arranging for him to be caught in bed with a dead boy, or contaminating an entire production run of WonderWhiz with botulism. I came to praise Jesus, not to bury Him. Would not you, good Christians, have done the same?