LUDIC LOG

Hello, readers! God here. People often ask, "what's the right religion for me?" Or, more universally, "which religion is the true faith?"

Well, here in Heaven, we're "with the times", and we know that you have a choice in deities, and you want a good reason for choosing Me. How about this one? If you don't believe in Me, I will punish you by sending you to Hell, where you will burn forever and ever in eternal torment. Ha ha! You don't like that one, do you? Well, too bad.

But because I know how important pretending you have "choices" is to you rabble, I offer the following to help you decide which religion to pick, without the hellfire-and-damnation stuff that humans like to ignore, like it's not going to happen just because they don't like it.

First of all, obviously, the "correct" religion must feature a single omniscient creator god. That is, Me. This automatically eliminates Hinduism, which has about five zillion gods (come on, folks, you're not fooling anyone), Buddhism, and all those touchy-queery New Age religions. Forget about it, losers. I think it goes without saying that the creator god must also be a male (I'm willing to meet the ladies halfway, but honestly!), and as for communism and atheism and all that stuff, well, if you still believe in that nonsense, I just feel sorry for you.

So this leaves us with the Big Three: Christianity, Judaism and Islam -- and the variants thereof. First, let's get Judaism right out of the way. First of all, when I give you people a book to read, READ THE WHOLE BOOK, okay? Judaism gets points for taking My laws very, very seriously, for keeping women in their place, and for coming up with bagels. I love bagels. But I went to a lot of trouble writing the New Testament, and if you want to know how it makes Me feel to know that My chosen people just decided to ignore all the hard work I did, just look at how I've treated them for the last 2000 years. I don't even want to get into how My kid feels about them.

Next, Islam. Let Me tell you something. Those people have initiative. They do not screw around when it comes to obeying my Divine Law. It's all well and good to put a "God Said It, I Believe It, and That Settles It" bumper sticker on your car, but those people live it, man. And not only are they downright inspirational when it comes to keeping the ladies in their place, but when I tell them to blow something up, they don't waste My time asking a lot of stupid questions. And their energetic recruiting techniques should make the other religions ashamed of themselves. But honestly: just look at them. Not only are they filthy beak-nosed middle easterners, but all the converts they send Me are either Africans (need I say more?) or those weird yellow people! Forget about it. All the vim and vigor is just overcompensation to make up for their racial inferiority.

Finally, Christianity. Well, of course, this is the right one. But which version? So many to choose from! First of all, look out for any kind of church that pays a little too much attention to all that goofy hippie crap My kid came up with. Now, I love Jesus; he's My son, in whom I am well pleased. But there's a reason I sent Him downstairs for 33 years and had Him nailed to a cross, you know what I'm saying? Knock a little sense into the knucklehead. And it worked, too! Ever since the Crucifixion He's been good as gold. I recommend it; it's like military school.

Second, the Mormons: these guys almost make it. They impressed me greatly when they started out: snappy, energetic, relentlessly conversionary, and with a good attitude about women and darkies, with multiple wives to boot! And when you take into account their complete willingness to wear the crazy underwear (it doesn't really do anything; I just came up with it as a joke. But bless their hearts, they did it, no questions asked, and I like that!), and the fact that they wear ties while bicycling, and, well, how could they go wrong? I'll tell you how: first of all, I don't like people who cave in to the government, especially about something as important as multiple wives. And second, Mormons don't believe in Hell. Come on, already.

So, as if there was any doubt, the One True Religion is: CATHOLICISM. They wear the right clothes; they understand the importance of the chain of command; they don't ask a lot of stupid questions; and they have great taste in art. Do the right thing, people: if you want to know what I'm up to, ask that old Polack in the pointy hat.

Thanks for reading, and keep worshiping God, your #1 choice of an omnipotent deity for over 2000 years!