LUDIC LOG

04/05/02

Began: Chicago, IL

Ended: Greenwood, IN

Observation: Indiana is the most boring state in the union, and I've been to Utah. Caveat: I have never been to Delaware.

Town outside of Indianapolis, the name of which could easily serve as the name of the entire state of Indiana: Whiteland.

Food: Steak & Shake. Mmm, Steak & Shake. Goddamn, do I love Steak & Shake. All the employees had fresh piercings, and the waitress called me "hon" despite being a good 10 years younger than I am.

Tourist action: none. There is nothing to do in Indiana except watch pregnant white women in shopping malls, or to kill yourself.

Observation #2: Indianapolis is exactly what all of America would look like if the Nazis had won WWII. It's huge, square, consists of giant buildings made of gray concrete blocks, and has military statues up everywhere. It's America as redesigned by Rudolf Hess.

04/06/02

Began: Greenwood, IN

Ended: Nashville, TN

Hotel Overrun By: Massive influx of African-American pubescents who identified themselves via the medium of t-shirts as the "Teens For Peace". True to their name, they did not engage in military activity during their stay.

Tourist action #1: Record shopping at the Ernest Tubb Record Shop. Did not purchase $40 Porter Wagoner rarity containing "Rubber Room" due to grinding poverty. Did get free postcard of Charlie Pride from counter man at rival record shop.

Food: My friend and I sort of forgot to eat, which is pretty good considering all the junky shit we ate on the road.

Tourist action #2: Nashville Sounds baseball. The Sounds, a AAA affiliate of the Pittsburgh Pirates, fought a hotly contested battle with the Sacramento RiverCats (the triple-A club of the Oakland Athletics), winning it all with a dramatic walk-off home run in the bottom of 9th. We sat in front of a gaggle of drunken southern frat boys, who taught us that turtlenecks are a sign of effeminacy. The scoreboard at Greer Stadium is shaped like a big ol' gee-tar. It was incredibly fucking cold.

Observation: There is a church-to-rap record shop ratio in Tennessee of 752,866:1.

04/07/02

Began: Nashville, TN

Ended: Springfield, IL

Food: A delicious and incredibly entertaining dinner at Tokyo of Japan in Springfield. This restaurant, which has a typically Springfieldian name but an atypically Springfieldian quality, was a Japanese grill joint where you are seated at a table with other people; in our case, we sat with an entertaining young couple (one of which was an engaging and amusing local girl who good-naturedly ribbed her yuppie boyfriend throughout the evening) and a demented pair of drunken old guys (described accurately by my friend as "drifters"), one of whom seemed to be having a tremendous amount of difficulty breathing, and who drowned his meal in roughly 3 gallons of soy sauce. The conversation was lively, the chef was funny and skillful, and my filet mignon was perfectly seasoned.

Tourist action #1: A visit to Nashville's Parthenon. An exact full-scale replica of the original in Greece, complete with a massive duplicate of the Athenium which is the largest indoor sculpture in the western hemisphere. Although metaphysically confusing (being a replica of a duplicate of a reconstruction), it was interesting and informative and even a bit awe-inspiring, and I might be able to write the whole trip off as a tax deduction just by having visited it. And why is the Parthenon in Nashville, you ask? Because of that city's dubious claim as "the Athens of the South". One would think Athens, GA might better make that claim, but that's for the respective tourist bureaus of Tennessee and Georgia to hash out.

Hot: The adorable, cute, and very sexy park ranger we saw in St. Louis. I love a girl in uniform, but since I wasn't driving, I didn't have my gun, and so our stalk-and-abduct scenario was stillborn.

Tourist action #2: A visit to the St. Louis Arch. It's a big arch. My friend, who had never before been west of the Mississippi, can no longer make that claim, having now been at least 100 feet west of the Mississipi.

Hotel clerk: A solicitous young woman named "Bronwyn", a vividly Welsh name one would normally not expect to encounter in southern Illinois. Bronwyn quite convincingly assured us that she would help us with "anything" we needed, leading to some very hilarious, vulgar and criminal speculations on the part of my friend and myself.

04/08/02

Began: Springfield, IL

Ended: Chicago, IL

Food: Denny's. Despite a vow upon leaving my suburban upbringing to never eat at Denny's again, I overcame my reluctance and had a delicious lunch. Our waiter, "Darren", had the look of a failed heavy metal drummer, a ridiculous-looking choker, long pointy fingernails, a dyed-red mullet, and way, way too much energy. My friend speculated for him a second career in amateur porn; I reluctantly concur.

Weather: Dismal. Spitting rain the whole time -- the worst kind: gray constant misty speckled rain that simply did not relent all day, and came off other cars in foggy waves that made visibility impossible. But, hey, again: I wasn't driving.

All in all: A vastly enjoyable and sorely needed skip out of town. Glad to be home, but happy to have gone. In closing, Shirley, IL is a town so boring it's a wonder it's not in Indiana.