LUDIC LOG

Congratulations! As a citizen of the United States of America and a component of its cultural life, you are now the owner of the latest in philosophical attitudes: that of Moral Clarity. We know you've got lots of questions. Let's get right to it.

Q. What is Moral Clarity?

A. Moral Clarity is the correct philosophical approach to ethical questions in these uncertain times. It can easily be confused for an ideology, but it is not, and should never be called an ideology. It is simply an approach, or, if necessary, a position.

Q. What does Moral Clarity consist of?

A. Moral Clarity consists of the recognition that there is right and wrong, and that there is good and evil, and that rather than taking a muddle-headed shades-of-gray approach to moral issues -- an approach that can only lead to confusion and malaise -- one should simply point out the existence of opposing extremes and do what one can to aid the defeat of one by the other.

Q. How can I be sure of my Moral Clarity?

A. It can seem daunting to know exactly what is and what isn't Morally Clear. However, a few simple rules of thumb can help you out of most jams. First, remember that if a position is advocated by the ruling party of your government, it is de facto Morally Clear. Second, one of the greatest enemies of Moral Clarity is ambiguity. If a question has more than one answer, those answers are probably wrong, and at the very least are lacking in Moral Clarity. Third, Moral Clarity possesses the simple grace of honest simplicity. If you are having trouble understanding something, that something lacks Moral Clarity and should probably be ignored or destroyed.

Q. You mentioned one of the enemies of Moral Clarity; what are some of the others?

A. Things being what they are, Moral Clarity has many enemies. These include postmodernism, relativism, complexity, ambiguity, difficulty, multiculturalism, liberalism, elitism, irony, pacifism, taxation, regulation, affirmative action, situational ethics, the French, and Susan Sontag. If you do not know what any of these things are, good! You are well on your way to Moral Clarity. Remember: hard answers are wrong answers. If something is not easily explained, it is not easily understood, and thus not Morally Clear.

Q. Where does Moral Clarity come from?

A. It comes from a profound and powerful sense of self; a commitment to liberty and justice; a realization of the moral agency of human beings and the reality of consequence; an unflinching dedication to principles of democracy; and a determination to combat evil in all its insidious forms.

Q. So, religion.

A. No, not at all! Moral Clarity is possessed by people of many different faiths: Protestants, Catholics, Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians, non-denominational Christians, Mormons, Jews (Orthodox and Reform), and some of the better class of Hindus, as well as nonreligious people who hold to the ethical strictures of those religions. It is even theoretically possible for a Muslim to possess Moral Clarity, although it is best that he convert.

A. But basically religion, though.

Q. Yes.

Q. Is Moral Clarity the same as moral certainty?

A. Technically, yes. It is not possible to possess Moral Clarity and not moral certainty (although, theoretically, it is possible to possess moral certainty and not Moral Clarity). However, the phrase 'moral certainty' has not tested well; therefore, it is not capitalized and should only be used in cases of extreme emergency.

Q. Some of my friends do not possess Moral Clarity. What should I do?

A. Get some new friends! Seriously, though: 9 out of ever 10 non-Morally Clear citizens can be effectively shamed into Moral Clarity. There are many ways of doing this: mentioning communism non-stop; comparing their lack of values to that of an animal or an infant; saying that it's very easy to criticize, but not so easy to come up with solutions; playing patriotic songs loudly from an open window; reading just enough Stanley Fish to savagely attack it, whether you understood it or not; or mentioning Hitler. If you'd like to learn more about how to combat the plage of Moral Non-Clarity, write for our free brochure, The Relativist Next Door.

Q. How can I be totally sure of my Moral Clarity? I mean, how do I know that my beliefs are absolutely correct?

A. I'm just sure of it. Aren't you?