LUDIC LOG

All right, jocks. Because I have foolishly chosen to watch you play your silly games, I accept that I must listen to you yak afterwards. So I will try and be kind. But I am only going to say this once more.

GOD DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU WINNING THE GAME. JESUS DID NOT GIVE YOU THE ABILITY TO WIN THE GAME. AND ALLAH DID NOT ALLOW YOU TO WIN TODAY.

I realize that the alumni association paid someone to take your tests for you, so you probably didn't get much out of Philosophy 101. So I will recap for you a simple logical formation:

IF God wanted you to win the game, THEN he must have, logically, wanted the other guy to lose the game.

Here's another one: IF you accept that God is blessing you when he allows you to win ballgames, THEN it follows that God is punishing you when he allows you to lose ballgames.

One more for the road: IF you take none of the credit for winning, claiming that it's all down to the Lord, THEN there is no need to work out, to practice, or to try and do well on the field of play. If it is God's plan for you to win, you will win no matter what, and there's no need for you to even try.

Think on these things one night while you're at the training table or relaxing in the Jacuzzi. And after you've thought on them long and hard, please do me these favors:

Do not thank, or even mention, Jesus or God during the post-game interview. Do not kneel down and pray after a touchdown. Do not cross yourself before each at-bat. And for Christ's sake, take that stupid gold crucifix off.